A Dinner Guest

Suzie's surprise By:
A Dinner Guest

Mark has had enough of Suzie's excuses at the dinner table. Why can't she just eat her meal with no complaints.

And who is their mysterious dinner guest?


Posts and Comments
Important Post
sjhanson

I understood who everyone was, but you seemed to make a point of letting the reader know everyone's name and I thought it was going to be important. But the brother could actually have gone unnamed. Maybe the parents could, too. What I'm slowly learning in the classes I've taken and the 'reading on writing' I'm doing, is that the less you say, the better. Too many words acts like a blanket, covering what you're trying to... Show more

1 Comment
rebekahjennings

Thanks for your feedback, I thought I'd taken the brothers name out and simply called him Suzie's brother.

The story is not supposed to be solely from Suzie's perspective. I neeed the parents to have a private convo in the kitchen, though the brother ends up hearing. That is why... Show more

Important Post
mardijuel

This was funny Beki!! lol

2 Comments
rebekahjennings

Did you have a problem understanding the names or feeling confused about the names when you read it?

Bek

rebekahjennings

Did you have a problem understanding the names or feeling confused about the names when you read it?

Bek

Important Post
sjhanson

I agree with the previous comments regarding the names.
I get that the point of the story is that the family has apparently been feeding on cocoons all along, but I wish you could make that conclusion a little more shocking. Maybe the parents could refuse to take Suzie seriously b/c she complains about food all the time but then it turns out that - what do you know? she was right, we are eating bugs! Boy who cried wolf sort... Show more

Important Post
brendie

Although I liked the story immediately I had a few reservations about the way the names fitted into it - and strangely, when I scanned the other reviews, some of your other friends put into words what I was trying to say.
So well done, rebekah, and the important thing is to accept the feedback, don't take it to heart, change the bits you feel need changing and it'll be perfect ...

Important Post
etelizabeth

Hi Rebekah
I've read this story several times, trying out changes in my mind. The first read seemed awkward and I waited for an hour or so before reading again. It was the tags, after the names, that threw everything off-balance. Anyway, after several reads, this is what I've come up with. In the second line, don't mentioned a name or dad. Let it read:
"Broccoli, why? Have you decided you don't like that now, either?"
"No, Dad."... Show more

1 Comment
rebekahjennings

Hi Elizabeth,

I love your ideas. I have already made changes to my work, probably since you've read it as I've already had two previous comments on the people tags. But, I think the bit about the brother, that is your suggestion, is great.

Thanks,

Bek

Important Post
rebekahjennings

Hi Paula,

Thanks for the read and feedback. You are right, pg 6 should have been 'from' not 'for'. Also, yours is the second comment on names and confusion so it is a must that I do something about it.

Rather than not name the parents, as they talk later when Suzie's not with them (so calling them dad or mum doesn't seem right), I've decided to remove the brother all together and I've take the word Natalie out and so that we... Show more

Important Post
Deleted User

I read some of the other comments after I wrote mine and there is another point to make. Suzie is the starring character so it really isn't necessary to identify every family member by name. Just call them mom, dad, brother. They are her supporting cast, not the focus of the story. So leave it with Suzie only and your story and dialogue will flow smoothly without awkward sentencing that gets in the way of the action/event... Show more

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