Jamie longed to experience a life at sea. The summer job he takes up, doesn't quite turn out the way he'd expected. Then a mystical gypsy arrives at the ship...
I like your front cover picture, is this your painting? I think you've thought through the symbolism of this piece and used it to full advantage, I like that. You showed Gina's character through the writing.
Meaning:
Pg 5 ...the sea was moodier than most... Most what? Pg 10 ...had somehow singled Jamie out to torture... What is the important part of this sentence, is it that Jamie has been singled out or that he is being tortured. I suspect it is the torture, which is important. But, I suspect you also want the reader to understand that the the selection had nothing to do with Jamie's personality (your reason for using 'somehow'). Perhaps spreading this meaning over two sentences or finding some way to reframe.
Why was it 'too late to regret' not having learnt poker. Do you mean its too late to learn (given Jamie's already aboard the ship)?
...to look at the sea for more than a minute necessary... The use of 'necessary' doesn't feel right here.
Not sure on the term 'lain to waste'. The correct tense has been used but lets pretend you were speaking in present tense--does 'lie to waste' make sense? If you consider the term in its literal sense then it could perhaps make sense for 'rotting food', but for 'destruction' I'm not sure.
When you write 'no pun intended' it is because you are worried people will not get the pun. If people don't get it and then you draw attention to it, they'll simply notice that what you've done, hasn't worked. I'd leave the blind reader to the blindness. I wonder too in these cases, was the pun really not intended?
Is 'penny-pinchers' a word a teen would use?
I'm not sure of the meaning of 'soul-whelming'.
Structure:
I think your work would benefit from an analysis of what is imperative to the plot, what is characterisation and setting. You 'tell' most of the setup (ACT I), which means some of the important situations are not 'shown'. This gets in the way of building tension, and building empathy. It also forces the reader to 'listen' as opposed to 'feeling the story' as though it were happening to them. I think your exposition needs to be artfully sprinkled between action.
With the torturing of Jamie, why not show some incidents with the poker pals, too. This will encourage the reader to sympathise with Jamie.
Pg 11: ...hoping fervently he didn't bump into his collegues... Instead of telling this you could 'show' him thinking this, or him repeating it like a mantra in a whisper.
Pg 14: ...it was obvious that both Jamie and her felt a connection... Why was it obvious? By 'telling' this and not 'showing' it you ask the reader to trust you on this. As a reader, I like to figure this out by reading the behaviour of the characters. If you 'show' certain behaviours, the reader will work this out and feel more connected to it.
Pg 15: I wondered why the suspicion of the stolen ring OBVIOUSLY went to staff next. I can understand suspicion might go to the cleaners, but other staff? Had he been accused of being a thief?
Tight writing: Look out for repetition, unless its intended. Namely, 'had', 'townsfolk'. Some phrases don't add to the story, such as: ...He'd been mopping the deck since before dawn and was almost done by now... 'by now' could be removed and not impact on meaning.
Grammar, punctuation and style need a little work. Namely, comma use in regards to coordination and subordination, and correct usage with conjunctions and with adjectives. Sentence structure could improve meaning and impact if reviewed. Some sentences are a clunky, which may cause emphasis on the wrong part of the sentence. Capitalisation, namely, 'sea'.
Good luck with the contest and with your writing into the future.
excellent write..i like the solid thread of your story..it shows you have the talent to weave a great tale..excellent depiction of characters..iu love the superficial gina!..=) Answer
akshayverma has saved "The Deckhand" to his/her favorites On July 25th 2010
