BookRix

Before I say anything, I'd like to draw your attention to the size of your text.
Hmm, yes... very small...
I have no problem zooming on the screen to read your book, but I'd advise you to make the font size larger so that others will be more willing to read it :)

Ok, with that said, I'd like to continue on to say that that you are extremely good at expressing emotions on a page. This was very well done!

I do, however, have some critiques:

You have some punctuation, capitalization, and spelling errors spread throughout the book. You might want to go over the whole thing yourself and find them :)

I can see that you love to use lots of descriptive words. And believe me, I used to do it all the time! I still do...
You see, if you use too many descriptive words, the reader becomes confused as you give him/her multiple choices to respond to.

Also, it can end up sounding redundant when you use two words almost synonymous to each other(or at least words that our minds put together as so).
Here's an example. In the first sentence of your book, it says:

"I walked smoothly, and calm through the brisk charcoal shaded night."

It's very nice, but a tad strange. Using the word 'smoothly' and 'calm' next to each other can seem a little redundant. Usually, a reader thinks of a character being calm if they are described as walking smoothly. Well, unless the tone of the story is not so...

Now, the punctuation error in this sentence is when you put a commas right after 'smoothly'. If you took out the words 'and calm' from the sentence, there would be no need for the comma. And even if you leave it in(granting that you change the word 'calm' to 'calmly'), there is not need for the comma either.

More so, I admire the originality of the metaphor "the brisk charcoal shaded night", though it seems out of place in the sentence.
You could make it better by switching the words around or adding a comma.

Maybe something like this would be good:

"I walked through the brisk, charcoal shaded night."

You could also mix up the words so that the word 'charcoal' doesn't appear to interrupt the flow of the sentence. Either way, it's good!

Now, first sentences in the third paragraph of your book is very long. Again, you use lots of words, but it seems to fit here. The only problem is that I instinctively want to put a comma before the word 'motionless', but the sentence keeps going and already has so many commas in it that it won't make any sense if you add another. However, if you change the word 'twin' to 'twin's' then it would make sense.

Ok, in the fourth paragraph, you start forgetting words(probably from just rushing through to get your thoughts down on paper). Here's an example:

"There was the recognition that something missing from within me, and the something was kali, and I'd have to live my life without it."

You'll probably see the word you forgot to put in(the word 'was'), unless that was on purpose...?
Anyway, you might want to try adding the word in:

"There was the recognition that something was missing from within me, and that something was Kali. I'd have to live my life without it."

Oh! And here:

"As if I didn't have enough remorse already."

could be given emphasis and character if you simply added an exclamation point:

"As if I didn't have enough remorse already!"

And I'd consider making this sentence:

"It keeps flowing no matter what obstacles it encounters, if it cannot go thorough it will branch off into a new and better suited path."

into two sentences:

"It keeps flowing, no matter what obstacles it encounters. If it cannot go through, it will branch off into a new and better suited path."

Or something of the like. You get the idea ;)

Last thing! I promise. In the sentence below, you repeat the word 'end' in the same sentences:

"At the end of the rivers path is the end, and every river must encounter this."

See it? I'd encourage you to find another word besides 'end' as a substitute, or rearrange the sentence structure. Maybe try something like this:

"But in the end, all the paths of a river come to a close. And every river must encounter this."

Or something like that.

Overall, I was amazed! Great job! I could feel the loneliness of the character and the alienation she felt within her own family. Bravo!

Amazing job!
Keep Writing!

---RbG