i really enjoyed this story - you have such creative ideas! i know that you have been having some trouble tranlating from german to english, so i thought i would give you a little help! here are some things to fix:
page 8
"had dark, blond hair" could be changed to "with dark, blond hair" and that will help the flow.
"raised his hand" should probably be "raided his hands" because most people use both hands to stop somebody
"looked... Show more
i really enjoyed this story - you have such creative ideas! i know that you have been having some trouble tranlating from german to english, so i thought i would give you a little help! here are some things to fix:
page 8
"had dark, blond hair" could be changed to "with dark, blond hair" and that will help the flow.
"raised his hand" should probably be "raided his hands" because most people use both hands to stop somebody
"looked back out to the sea" you could change to "looked back out at the sea"
you should change the "do not" in all of your dialogue to "don't" - because it's more natural in conversation.
if Jill is dead, then you will want to write "There was only one like her in the entire world" instead of "is only"
page 9
"tense atosphere" might be written as "tension in the air"
add a comma and change the wording a little here: "No, I won't! I've made my decision."
you can remove the "also" from this sentence: "Jill was my friend."
change the period to a comma: "Jake was silent, but then..."
fix the dialogue to make it more natural here: "You're making me confused, but I can't forget Jill so easily." and "You won't! Jill will live on in our hearts, but if you would only give us a chance..."
page 10
you need to make the dialoge more informal: "I can't go." is better than "I cannot go."
change "It is my fault" to "It's my fault" an "If I had not" to "If I hadn't driven"
there is a problem here:
"the car drunken" is incorrect - the sentence should be:
"If I hadn't been drunk driving, she would still be alive."
add a comma here: That night, after the school party, I wanted to take"
"descending road" wouldn't be worded like that - you can change it to: "We were going down a big hill when it happened." and maybe you could change rock to rockface because a rock could be small.
"It was't like this" should be "It wasn't like that," Monica said"
page 11
"serpentine" is too formal a word - you need to change it - maybe to "She was driving down a country road, swerving back and forth."
"Suddenly" usually comes first: "Suddenly, out of nowhere, appeared two headlights right in front of you. Jill swerved to the right"
"You have tried to help Jill" should be "You tried to help Jill"
"And you say that not just to reassure me?" should be "Are you saying that just to reassure me?"
"If I lie, then I shall go to the devil." needs to be changed to "If I'm lying, then let the devil take me." or "If I'm lying, then I'll go to hell." the wording you use is too strange.
"there was thunder around." needs to be "there was thunder all around." or to really emphasize this you could say something like: "Suddenly, the sky turned black as night, and the sound of thunder could be heard all around them."
page 12
"where Jake and Monica were stood" needs to be "where Jake and Monica were standing"
missing punctuation here "Aaaahhhh!"
change this: "plunged 100 meters down into the deep abyss"
also, the moral of the story doesn't really make sense in English, but i'm not sure what it's supposed to say...
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