As you can see, I'm back on Bookrix after two years! My work has gotten significantly better, although I know I can still improve.
I hope you enjoy this!
*Please note that I have uploaded this on other sites under the name 'secretly_awesome' , so no, I am not copying someone else's work, I just wanted to share this work here. (It's also on Qoutev under a Korean phrase)*
*Please note that I have uploaded this on other sites under the name 'secretly_awesome' , so no, I am not copying someone elses work, I just wanted to share this work here. (It's also on Qoutev under a Korean phrase)*
Jackson had being feeling depressed for at least a year or so, and it was finally starting to show. His happy acting on broadcasts were finally showing cracks. He'd laugh a little late at a joke, (and the excuse of being the carefree, 'dumb' one was wearing thin). He'd forget that his smile wasn't a smile, but a grimace for moments, and people would be confused and/or slightly disgusted by the face he'd end up making. There were times when he absolutely hated the cameras and almost wished that there were no Got7 fans (but that would always be something he never wanted to happen. Got7 were happy, the IGot7s were happy, why should he mess with that?) Because his life was being filmed and he couldn't ever find time for himself to...to...deal with anything.
But, he finally cracked, when they pulled a hidden camera on him.
It was cruel, even if they didn't know that he was depressed and insecure. This was horrible. Making sure, for the for whole day that he was put down. Everything he did was criticized. People went out of their way to take offense to what he said and make him feel bad.
"Jackson, wake up! It's time for an interview!! Did you forget? Can't you do anything by yourself? Aish, really." Jaebum barged into his room before slamming the door shut. Behind the door, Jaebum grinned at the camera, giddy at the thought of the prank he was playing. On the other side of the door, Jackson was confused.
"Aish, hyung, really! The make up isn't done properly or something, your face still disgusts me!" Yugyeom smirked slightly at Jackson's face in the mirror.
"Ah, sorry, Yugyeomie, but the swag that I have can't be contained by make up."
"What swag? All I see is zits, pimples and ugly." A passing Jinyoung says.
'He's just pissed and the maknae is being childish. They probably don't mean it...or they might. It's true, either way. Who would bother to even slap this? It's horrible.'
(7:15 am/ 5 painful insults later)
Jackson had cracked a joke in the interveiw and got cut off by Mark.
"Jackson," Mark paused for a low laugh, not caught by anyone except for BamBam next to him, "The world will still go 'round if you stop talking," thinking the comment harsh he adds on, "Breath."
Jackson wishes he didn't have to.
(8:35am, after the interveiw/ 2 hurried explanations and 7 insults later)
"Jackson, calm down. Nobody wants all that excitement near them."
"Back up BamBam, the idiot oozing off this guy might be contagious! AWAY, JACKSON! This boy still has a future!"
(11:00 am/9 insults and one pause in the bathroom to calm down later)
"Time for lunch guys!" Staff tell the boys.
"Um, no thanks. This man has to go work out, the ladies love the muscles!" Jackson pulls out his 'guns' before heading towards the gym part of JYP.
"Yeah, hyung," shouts Youngjae, "I see a lot of stomach that needs to go!" /Wait, isn't this the 13th time this month Jackson refused food?/
(11:45 am/ a serious workout later)
The boys barge in after their lunch and get ready for dance practice.
It goes smoothly, but as soon as Jackson makes any mistakes, there is immediate scolding, until almost an hour later, when Jackson finally ask what's wrong.
"I-is eveyone okay? I feel like the the nerd girl being picked on by all the popular girls. Are you guys practicing for a drama?" This is by far the lamest 'joke' he's said.
"Really, Jackson? Can't you even take dance practice seriously? What's wrong with you today?" Jaebum explodes.
"Yeah, everyone else has been fine except for you!" BamBam puts in. /No, they haven't. Jinyoung tripped twice, Youngjae forgot his place, Mark slipped on BamBam's shoelace and Jaebum tore Yugyeoms shirt when he pulled them both to the floor./
"Sorry! I guess that the Wang Master has decided to take a day off and the Swag Lord has messed up with his new role. He's not used to dancing. He's better at rapping."
"Shut up, Jackson, this isn't a joke, focus!" One of the staff members shouts.
Silently, Jackson goes through the rest of the dance practice, ignoring every scolding and insult he gets.
(05:56 pm/ end of dance practice)
Jackson took one last look at his members, several of which had just seriously insulted him in the past few hours, before storming out the door, slamming it shut.
(9:30 pm/ no one had found Jackson in the past four hours)
/'Chin up', 'Big smile,now', 'loud laughter', 'LOTS of enthusiasm, if you please!', 'Don't get upset when you're put down, play it off'.
Am I not allowed to feel? Am I supposed to be some sort of happy, robot? Do I have to laugh and find amusement even when I am hurt?
Even though these things are (usually) never said, certainly, they are implied.
What is my role, then? Who am I? What purpose do I serve?
I've worked hard for where I am now, so why does it feel so unsatisfactory?
Aish...there are so many people out there who would DIE to have my life. They would do anything for my position. People out there have lives far worse than mine, what right do I have to complain?
Is it that obvious that I am un-needed? Have they finally realised that Got7 only needs me because the name? Is this their way of showing me, telling me I can go now.
Sometimes, I really wish I had taken the opportunity to kill myself when I had it./
Jackson had been writing in his journal by the edge off the roof for ages now, a tear occasionally streaking down down his face.
Jackson sighed, placing the pen inbetween the pages, closing the journal and tying it shut. He heaved himself up, taking a step towards the edge, and looked down. How easy it would be to let himself die.
Swiftly, with the journal tucked under his arm, he turned and plodded off towards his dorm.
When he arrived there, he walked straight towards his room shared with Mark, ignoring all of his members that he passed. Pulling off his shirt and kicking off his shoes, he collapsed on his bed, ignoring Mark's quiet, "Are you okay?" and quickly went to sleep, because why would Mark actually care?
Mark watched as Jackson's grip loosened on the journal. It thumped to the ground, the loose knot unraveling and allowing Mark to see words written in a familiar scrawl.
Hesitantly, he picked it up, a sentence catching his eye : "It's really hard not to think about cutting, it's only been two days since I've last done it, and it's getting really hard to resist."
Slightly horrified, Mark flicks to another page.
"If I could be someone else for a day, I think I would choose to be my mother. That way, I could see how I act (do I put on a good show?) and know what it's like to be loved."
"I almost commited suicide today. I was so close. One more move and I could have ended it all. That would've been nice. But it also would've been selfish."
He kept going through the pages, crying slightly, until finally, he found the most recent entry.
"...Have they finally realised that Got7 only needs me because the name?...What purpose do I serve?...I've worked hard for where I am now, so why does it feel so unsatisfactory?...Is it that obvious that I am un-needed?...Do I have to laugh and find amusement even when I am hurt?...What right do I have to complain?...Sometimes, I really wish I had taken the opportunity to kill myself when I had it... Is this their way of showing me, telling me I can go now?..."
Shakily Mark walks out of the room, joining the rest off his members in the living room. He hands the journal to Jaebum.
"I-it's Jackson's." He hiccups, drawing attention to his blotchy face and red eyes, making Jinyoung pull him into a hug.
Jaebum opens it up with a concerned look that slowly turns into one off terror with Youngjae's and Jinyouny's, who had been reading over his shoulder.
"What is it, hyung?" BamBam asks softly.
Youngjae lets out a soft whimper and stops reading, going to whisper with BamBam and Yugyeom. Soon enough, all three look upset.
"You do realize that Jackson might quit?" Jinyoung tells them," After today, he might ask to cancel his contract, or ask if he can be removed from the group."
No one seemed to like the idea.
Jaebum shakes his head frustratedly, "I don't think he will, he's too selfless. He'll think of the fans and then simply let the thought of leaving, leave his mind."
"It's still not right! Jackson's been feeling like this for a while now! After today, I can't even imagine what he's feeling now." Mark said, his soft voice almost cracking.
There's a stiff silence in the room for a solid 30 minutes as the members awake cuddle and contemplate what to do. The maknae line all just wanted to snuggle up to Jackson in bed, but realised that it would be hard to explain and slightly awkward.
Jinyoung really wanted to talk to the boy, get him to open up personally so that he could smother him with love and baby him until his cheeks were pink.
Mark just wanted to be there for him. Whatever Jackson wanted/needed, Mark wanted to be able to provide it. As a best friend, he felt it was his duty. Although, he realised, Jackson might not want to talk about anything, he might not want to bring it up at all. And that would be a problem. How was Mark going to help if he doesn't know how to?
And Jaebum...He felt like he had failed as a leader. He hadn't noticed that his close friend and teammate was depressed. What kind of leader was he? All the doubts he had ever had were floating in his mind, as if the new found revelation about Jackson solidized an untrue fact; 'Im Jaebum is a horrible person, not fit to be a leader, a hyung, a friend or an idol', and it hurt him deeply.
"I'm going to bed," Mark announced finally,"we don't have a schedule tomorrow, so we can confront Jackson then. Night."
And then, slowly, the rest of the members trickle out of the living room and into the shared rooms, ready to sleep.
Mark woke up early the next day and spent the next hour staring at his roommate, whom he had previously thought to be the happiest person he knew.
As he slept his eyebrows furrowed and his nose scrunched up slightly, which was the reaction he always had when he was judging someone. Mark couldn't begin to guess what Jackson was dreaming about, but he didn't look impressed.
Maybe he was judging him. His supposed "best friend" and the rest of the members. What crappy kind of friends couldn't even notice if something was bothering you?
Mark sighed and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling, his earphones playing English music that he didn't even bother comprehending, lettings the deep bass lull him into a state of half consciousness.
All those times when he had held Jacksons hand and he had squeezed back tightly, why was it only now that he realised that his hand had been the only thing anchoring him at the time?
And the times when Mark slung his arm over Jacksons shoulder and the other had leant in, why was it only now that he realised that Jackson needed his warmth more and his understanding, listening ears most?
The times when Mark would throw him a smile when the others weren't looking, one just for Jackson, why couldn't he have known that was when Jackson felt warmest inside?
Times when he pulled Jackson's head off the window of the car and onto his shoulder instead, couldn't he have know that Jackson wasn't asleep and that those time were when Jackson knew someone cared?
And then, one day, the one person who made him happiest, decided that everything he did wasn't good enough. That everything he did wasn't right.
No hand-holding. No side-hugs. No smiles just for Jackson. No shoulders for him to lean on. Just a sense of abandonment, betrayal and inadequacy.
Jackson had always needed, and the one person who he thought would always be there...just wasn't anymore.
- Two Hours Later -
When Jackson woke up, he saw Mark sprawled across his own bed, listening to music. But what caught his attention were the tear tracks and red blotches on his face.
Why had he been crying? What happened? Did-?
Then feelings of dread engulfed him, for there, across the room on the shared desked, definitely not where he had put it last night, was an opened journal, belonging to Jackson.
This was not good. It was so totally and completely not good that Jackson felt the urge to puke creep up on him.
Mark. He knew Mark. He honestly adored him and knew that Mark would accept him. But he also was certain that after what had happened yesterday he would bring his findings to the others. He's too compassionate to just try and deal with it himself and not make a big deal out of it. Everyone would have been notified and everyone would be made aware of the fact that Jackson hated himself with a burning, fiery passion.
If it was only Mark, he wouldn't have hesitated to explain to him what the entries meant, but the others? No.
They were different. They were some of the closest people to him, but they weren't quite on Mark's level. And no one but Mark would have all of Jackson's belief that he would take care of him.
It made him sad, that even after yesterday, Jackson still fully trusted his roommate. He had figured out that it was a hidden camera and was hurt by the extent that they had gone to, but also noticed that Mark had been the one to say the least (closely followed by YoungJae and BamBam.)
Scared, Jackson pulled himself of his bed and looked at the page Mark had his journal open on.
/God, it hurts. Trying to stop being depressed. The littlest of things will set you off. One small crying session and suddenly every thought you have is pessimistic and downgrading. The little voice in your head constantly brings you back to reality, harshly dragging you into the dark pit of frustration that is life. Things will bring back memories and no one will understand because no one has ever gone through the exact same thing as someone else, even if they can relate to you, the circumstances will always be different./
Running his fingers through his hair, Jackson sighed. Why was he such an dramatic person? Why did he -?
Wait! No! He had written these things because this was a private book and he was allowed to write his inner most feelings in it! What right did he have to read it?
'It was dramatic and you know it. You blew this up out of proportion and now you have everyone thinking you need a psychiatrist. Why must you always cause so much trouble? Don't you know you're wasting everyone's time? You're not worth it.'
And there it was. The little voice.
Heaving out another sigh, Jackson got dressed and mentally prepared himself for the torture he was so sure today would bring.
He slipped into some sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, allowing people to see his prominent collar bones. His pushed his hair back and shoved a snap-back on. Properly, not backwards. No point in trying to act normal. They all know now.
Jackson walked out of his room (after making sure Mark was okay) and then headed towards the kitchen. No matter how much he hated it, in order to continue working out as hard as he did, he would have to eat.
Completely giving up, he decided cereal was today's choice. If you're gonna eat, why not male the least effort to make something.
As he was eating, a sleepy Jaebum walked in, saw him, and then walked back out,.going completely unnoticed. He did so for four reasons.
He was sleepy and
He wasn't good with feelings and words in the first place.
It had been decided that all of them would talk to Jackson in the morning and
If anyone had the right to change that into a one-on-one conversation it was Mark Hyung .Not him.
- 1 Hour Later (Jaebum and Jinyoung's room) -
All of the members, aside from Mark and Jackson, were gathered and having a meeting.
"So, I can only assume that the Mark Hyung is talking to Jackson about everything right now, but what are we going to do? How should we show him he is treasured?" Jinyoung spoke to his leader and dongsaengs.
There was an uncomfortable silence before Jinyoung sighed, "Great lot of help you are," leaning his head onto a frustrated Jaebum's shoulder.
YoungJae spoke up, " Maybe we should just show him we accept him how he is. Hold him more often, do more skinship with him. Jackson Hyung likes skinship because it comforts him, remember? He said it once in an interview."
Jinyoung gives him an appraising look and ruffles his hair, proud to have such a thoughtfull dongsaeng.
"So, we just shower him with affection and let him know that we think he's great the way he is?," BamBam nods to himself,"I can do that."
- Meanwhile, in Jackson and Mark's room -
"So...you found out." Jackson says awkwardly and stiffly.
"Yeah..." Mark's voice fades off, already rough from crying previously.
There is a small moment of hesitance and mixed feelings before finally, "I'm sorry."
This startles Jackson. What could sweet, kind Mark possibly be sorry for?
"What for?" He asks, bewildered.
"For not noticing sooner." Mark looks so sad and regretful that Jackson can't help but move to sit next to him.
"You don't need to be sorry, I-" Jackson starts.
"You don't get it, I'm suppossed to be your best friend. I'm suppossed to be there for you no matter what and I should help you with every single obstacle you come across. You should've had someone and I should've been that someone, but I didn't know how much you were hurting. So you continued to hurt. And that's not fair on you." Mark grabs a hold of Jackson and continues to lift off reasons.
Reasons why he should've never have left Jackson alone.
Reasons why he should've been more affectionate to Jackson.
Reasons why he thought Jackson was amazing.
Reasons why Jackson was loved by so many people.
Reasons why Jackson should never feel bad again.
For hours on end Mark talked and talk, trying to convey how much he adored Jackson and how thought that Jackson was the best person ever and how Jackson was so (so, so, so, so) important to him.
And Jackson was slowly starting to believe the things he said. All the things he never thought were true, were said so passionately by the one person who was worth more than all the stars combined, that he couldn't help but believe it himself.
The next few days were some of Jackson's best. Mark was always with him, to reassure him that Mark thought he was amazing and would never leave.
Of course, Mark had to share the love with other members and do fanservice and skinship with them, but it was obvious to everyone that the 'Markson' couple had gotten even closer then before.
The maknae line were great too, always joking and laughing with him, playing games and so on. There was also a great amount of affection that Jinyoung and BamBam contributed to when Mark wasn't around.
But somewhere, faintly, in the back of his mind where it was starting to fade, the little voice was whispering to him that they still didn't understand.
And when that voice was strongest, Jackson would grab Mark and just cuddle him, or at least have skinship with him in some way.
But then, slowly, the voice got more persistent and Jackson was starting to slip back into his old ways, the ones he had been trying so hard to get out of.
So of course, Mark brought it up. They were in the living room this time, lying on the sofa, a tangle of limbs and blankets.
"You wanna tell me what's wrong?" Mark murmured into Jackson's hair.
"Not...particularly." He snuggled into his Hyung's shoulder, tightening the arm he had Mark's waist.
"It's been bothering you for a while, right?...Maybe, we should explain to the others? Tell them how you feel and, I don't know, just let them know what you're going through." Mark squeezed Jackson back, his deep yet soft voice relaxing Jackson further.
"I have you though, and you understand."
"Yeah, but, I don't think I'm enough-". Mark has a point that he wants to bring out, but Jackson isn't having any of it.
"You're enough. Just don't leave."
"I know I tell you I won't leave you, because I won't, not voluntarily. But I won't be able to be with you all the time. No matter how much I want to." Somewhere along the line, they had both reverted to English.
The familiar language on both their tongues making everything feel so much more intimate to the two. Tangled and caught up in each other, the young men wanted nothing more than to stay like this forever. Jackson knew that they couldn't and Mark knew that even if they could people would frown upon it.
Sighing, Mark tried another tactic," What if you just choose one or two people to explain it to? Try explaining it to Jinyoung and Jaebum first? Or BamBam and YoungJae? Save Yugyeom for last?"
Jackson mulled over the idea for a bit. Would it be so bad as to let them know?
"I'll do it," Jackson hesitates," but only if you're there too. And only two at a time."
"Of course." Marks whispers, before pulling Jackson closer and allowing them to fall asleep.
- The Next Morning -
Looking back on it, both the young men should've know what would happen. It was sort of guaranteed.
Yugyeom's greatest strength, they always told him, after his dancing, was his amazing affinity to tease everyone just so that they were irritated enough to want to hurt somebody but have no words to use against him.
"Ah, hyungs, what have you been up to?" He grinned innocently.
"We were sleeping, until you were here." Jackson muttered tiredly.
"Oh, Jackson hyung, are you angry I took you out of your snuggle session with Markie Poo?"
"Yah, that's Markie Poo-ssi to you, dongsaeng." Mark spoke, shouts only slightly muffled by Jacksons hair.
"Of course hyung. I just wanted to know what you two did last night." Yugyeom nudged the two.
"We were celebrating the fact that we didn't have to deal with this annoying child we know." Mark emphasized annoying.
"Oh, you two already have kids? Wow, working fast guys."
"Yeah, he's far too tall and has this really bad habit of being a brat. Actually, I think you know who I'm talking about."
Before things could go any further, Kunpimook came up to the large, annoying, golden retriever of a boy, and dragged him into the kitchen.
"Definitely telling him last." Jackson muttered into Mark's shoulder.
Mark laughed, his chest vibrating pleasantly, and a warm sensation spread itself through-out Jackson, causing him to smile into his favourite hyung's skin.
- Later that day -
Mark had asked Jinyoung and Jaebum to come into their shared room, amd Jackson was slowly melting into a puddle of nerves.
There were so many doubts that he was having. What if they didn't believe him? Thought he was pathetic? Thought he wasn't mentally stable and told him he had to leave the group? Or worse, what if they convinced Mark that Jackson wasn't worthy of his affection?
He would be heartbroken if he had to leave Mark, if they were separated, but Jackson thought that life might not be worth living if Mark didn't want him in any way.
He was brought out of his scary thoughts by the sound of the door opening, and the two oldest and Jinyoung.
Mark immediately sat besides Jackson, and held his hand. Jackson savoured it with the idea that after this talk he might not be able to come near Mark.
Mark squeezed Jackson's hand and that was all it took for him to start explaining. He started from when he first started being depressed, then moved onto when he started hurting himself. He answered all the questions they had and then broached the next topic, refusing food and the little voice in his head.
Jinyoung had the most questions, like; What makes you feel better? What type of food do you enjoy eating? Can you convince yourself that anything you do is okay or will the voice tell you no?
Jackson answered as many questions as he could, slightly relieved that Jinyoung was concerned for him, not disgusted by him.
He needed a little more coaxing from Mark to tell them that he hated himself, and, sometimes,...wanted to die.
The mood of the room had gone from curious,understanding and sympathetic to downright depressing and heavy.
The explanation for this took longer than the others, with many pauses and shaky breaths. Twice Mark had to just hold Jackson until Jackson said he was okay and could continue.
At the end of it all, Jinyoung had moved over to sit next to him and was holding his other hand. Jaebum was staring straight into his eyes with an understanding look.
Jackson spoke one last time, "I just, I think all this but what right do I have? Because there are children and adults who would do anything fo live my life! I'm so ungrateful and I just-."
Jaebum stands up to ruffle Jacksons hair,"Just because people are worse off than you don't mean your problems are any less real."
Jaebum smiles at Jackson and pats his shoulder, "You'll be alright."
"We love you. All of us. So don't feel like we don't want you around. Because we do." Jinyoung squeezes Jackson around his waist and then stands up.
"I have to go make dinner. I'll make andong jjimdak (찜닭). That's the one you can/like to eat, right?"
And so, Jackson eats the comforting food that his mother used to make, with the reassuring knowledge that he has two more people who understand and Mark.
He'll always have Mark.
They were five weeks into creating the album, and everyone had learnt their lines for each song.
The maknae line were having the most fun, constantly posting on Twitter and Instagram and filling the studio with even louder laughter than usual.
BamBam and YoungJae had been playing Uno together at the coffe table, Yugyeom off playing on the computer or X-box, or maybe just dancing.
The two were giggling away, making sounds of frustration every now and then, sometimes bursting out into loud laughter that echoed through out the dorm.
Mark walked up to them and sat down next to BamBam, "Hey, guys, let's have a talk."
"Are we in trouble, hyung?" BamBam immediately asks.
"Nope, but Jackson has something he needs to tell you, so you need to come to our room."
The mood becomes more serious and YoungJae automatically starts putting away the cards. There were thoughts swirling around in both of their heads and they were both slightly scared about what was to come.
Mark leads them to his room and closes the door behind them once they're all in.
Unable to help himself, BamBam asks if this is about his journal. The answer is affirmative and BamBam straightens his back quickly.
Jackson takes a few hours to fully explain everything that had been going on in his life and YoungJae had been shifting towards all human contact, wanting reassurance that everyone was real and there.
BamBam, at some point, had started a slow but steady flow of tears, a heavy feeling in his chest and a block in his throat.
The two listened carefully and became lulled into a calm state, where they were reassured by their elders interactions.
Mark would rub soothing circles onto Jacksons skin and in return he would get a head placed upon his shoulder.
Jackson would squeeze Marks knee and each time, depdnding on how hard he did it, Mark woulitd react. He either: held his hand, kissed his cheek, ruffled his hair, or wrapped an arm around him.
Mark would set a hand upon Jackson's shoulder and Jackson would straighten up and his voice would become stronger.
They had a whole, intricate system that contained secret looks, body language, code words and a varying degree of skinship.
It was something that anyone and everyone (who weren't Mak and Jackson) would never be able to understand and would never be able to unlock.
It was touching, really, how much they trusted each other, because they had always trusted each other with little things, but now they trusted each other with everything.
BamBam, at times, chose to compare them to himself and Yugyeom. He didn't know if it was as obvious but he was his best friend. They also had a system, but it was much easier for people to understand and and less intimate.
YoungJae, Jinyoung and Jaebum were also really close, and BamBam thinks that if he had never met Mark and Jackson, he would have thought they were the closest beings in the known Universe.
All of his hyungs just seemed to know what to do for each other and what they other was thinking, without any words being said.
YoungJae listened carefully to everything that was said to them, to everything that was explained to them. At some points he made a whining noise in the back of throat, as if to protest to the things Jackson was saying.
He didn't like what he was hearing and he couldn't even use the reassurance that he could for most things that scared him "it isn't real", because it most certainly was!
How could this have happened to their 'happiest' hyung?
After a few hours of talking with his hyungs and BamBam, and a thirty minute cuddle session (as if to say 'I'm here'), YoungJae found himself on his phone, ready to Google.
He entered the first word he wanted explained. Thank you, Wikipedia.
'Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being. People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience overeating or loss of appetite, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present.'
Going through all that and being an idol? You already have so much pressure on you to be great and Knetz judging, but with this, you already have your own judgmental little voice!
THANK YOU HATERS, BUT WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!!!
Psht, little know-it-alls, thinking they know everything about us.
Shutting his phone off, YoungJae decides he is done with life and goes back to Mark and Jackson's room.
He opens the door to their room and then closes it behind him. He finds his hyungs half-asleep, cuddling on their beds (which they had pulled together so that they wouldn't fall off the choosen bed when they cuddled).
"Oh, YoungJae, what's up?" Mark asks, one of his arms untangling from Jackson.
YoungJae accepts the invitation and snuggles in between the two and explains, very seriously, "I am done with life. I'm going to find a farm and live on it. Either as an animal or a man. I don't care at this point."
Mark and Jackson laugh, creating an enveloping warm feeling that YoungJae loves.
He's glad the two had each other, and he's glad there was such a thing as Got7.
As BamBam falls asleep next to his best friend, he realises that Got7 is probably the best thing that had ever happened to any of them. Even if it had come with a few hardships, he thought it was worth it in the long run.
Mark had no idea what to do. They were just about to record a show and he had completely lost his voice, he couldn't even whisper! How is that even possible? He wasn't even a singer!
Mark mouthed English swear words angrily, in hopes that at least one of them would be heard, but to no avail. All he got was a curious yet amused Jackson. Not that he was complaining, but he kinda needed his voice too.
"Is there a reason that you're mouthing swear words or do you just hate everything?" Jackson giggled.
Mark managed to make a whining sound and flopped his head onto Jackson's lap. He looked up at the younger boy and made a face at him (he wasn't sure what type of face he pulled, he just let his facial muscles decide.)
"What's wrong? Do you not like the script? I admit, the part where Jaebum-" and off he went, chattering away, and Mark let him. It was nice to see (and hear) Jackson talk more, like when he hadn't been depressed.
It wasn't forced and Jackson actually wanted to tell Mark these things, let him know what he thought, just so he could hear Mark speak and tell him what he thought.
Jinyoung walked up to the two and asked, "What's wrong with Mark? Or is this just some more 'Markson' for the world?"
Mark flailed his arms at him and pointed at his throat, before crossing his fingers to make an 'X'. He repeated this a couple times before Jinyoung understood.
"Ah, you lost your voice....crap, you lost your voice!"
"Who lost their voice?" The maknae asks.
"Mark lost his voice?" Jaebum joined in on repeating what Mark already knew.
"Well, what are we gonna do? It's not like we can give him a whiteboard and marker and expect him to communicate that way." Jaebum sighed.
Mark sat at the back silently with his whiteboard, twisting around on his spinny chair in slight boredom.
Everyone had been active and contributed to the activities in some way and all Mark had done was look pretty and done a few martial arts tricks.
It was annoying, and now he was bored, left with nothing to do. Sadly, he started doing the gwiyomi song, the pout that he had unknowingly made out of sadness contributing to his cuteness.
He had gotten up to doing the whole song twice when someone finally noticed him.
"Ah, Mark...what are you doing?" One of the MCs laughed, pointing him out to the rest of the people present, even though Mark was pretty sure he heard some noonas making noises and comments about him of to the side.
Mark's only response to the MC was a half-hearted shrug and a sad puppy dog look, before he pulled two of his rubber bracelets off his wrist and started fiddling with them, twisting them and tying them into knots.
He heard some cooings of 'oh, how cute' from the female MC and a few of his members, but he wasn't really paying attention as he was too busy moping, so when Jackson pulled him closer in an attempt to soothe him, he just ended up with Mark's head on his shoulder. Which, of course, got more cooings.
Mark had gone several hours without his voice and his mood was becoming worse and worse, quickly making the sweet young man, sour.
At one point he almost waved off Jackson, before remembering that he was only being sulky and he would rather Jackson wasn't upset with him.
They were going to have dance practice now, learning and going through the choreography for 'Just Right'.
Mark liked the choreo, it was fun, bouncy and impressive (he thought). There was just a lot of switching positions that they found a bit hard.
Also, he rather liked the fact that he could sing along in English, in his head, as he danced. He could make up scenes and scenarios of him and a certain someone whilst listening to the song and still dance properly, so used to the dance routine now that he could do it on autopilot.
Though, being trapped in his own head when dancing also had it's disadvantages. At some point during the day, he had switched to English completely, not really bothering with try to communicate with anyone, so when Jaebum called him and the others over to talk more about the choreography and spoke directly to him, he was mostly lost.
He raised his hand in the air in a 'stop', panicking at the fact that he couldn't understand him.
"What?" He managed to croak out in English, and rather than being happy over finally being able to say a word, he was stilled confused.
"농담 그만 , 우리는 연습을 해야합니다!" Jaebum scolded, well, Mark assumed he was scolding him, but all he could really understand was 'stop' and 'we'.
"Seriously, I can't remember any of my Korean. I can't understand you." Mark said in a very husky voice, throat sore and eyes wide with panic.
Jackson, quickly understood the situation and translated for his hyung. The members faces ranged from amused, unimpressed and pitying. Mark found himself wanting to punch someone, but held the urge down because abuse is wrong.
Jaebum told Jackson something, to which he turned around with his thinking face on,"Jaebum-hyung said that we're going to dance in groups of three, so that there's less people to worry about when we switch positions."
Mark nods at him gratefully, patting his cheek before walking to Youngjae who dutifully tells him who he is with.
Jackson had been dancing for hours on end, along with the others, and it was starting to get to get to everyone. Especially Mark, who's pout had intensified throughout the day.
Jackson hoped it wouldn't be permanent, because as freaking adorable as it was, he much rathered seeing him smile. And hearing his voice.
Jaebum finally called the quits and everyone just kind of collapsed next to their water bottles.
Jackson half-crawled half-slid across the floor towards Mark, the intense need to be near the oldest member was something Jackson thought would never change.
"You okay?" He asked in Korean, before repeating in English.
All he got was a thumbs up. Jackson suddenly launched into a tale about HongKong (seeing as his hyung wouldn't be able to talkanytime soon), loud enough for everyone to hear, and secretly dubbed the situation as 'Story Time' in his head.
He told them all about his fencing and his family, then talked about the neighborhood he lived in and all his neighbors. He told them all about his home, repeating stories he had told them before, and telling them ones they had never heard. He said all of it with such a deep and intense fondness that it reminded everyone of the way he talks about Mark.
This is so cheesy I have lost the ability to stop cringing. That's all I'm doing now, cringing.
Jackson stared at the lines on his body. Not the natural ones made by time and habits. The ones made by him, one awful habit. Mark seemed to be upset with him, even if he insisted he was fine, he didn't like the way Jackson thought, the idea that he had.
"Do I really have to tell Yugyeom? Because, everything has been fine and Yugyeom's young-"
"Jackson, I know you're scared to tell him, but it isn't fair to leave him out in this. Everyone else knows." Mark had soothed him, placated him with sweet words and soft touches. But Jackson was nothing, if not stubborn.
In the end Mark had left, frustrated with his best friend, and unwilling to tell him that what he thought was a good idea.
Jackson hadn't cut because of the minor argument, but he still stared at the old scars his body held. His thighs were especially scarred, lines going in every direction. They were chosen to take most of the pain, because that's where no one would ever see. Not without being extremely perverted and having their actions frowned upon.
He supposed that he would tell Yugyeom. (He was going to anyway, but no one else knew that.) He may be the maknae, and not as well versed in these sort of things, but he had experienced other things, lots of pressure and hate and unhealthy life styles. Yugyeom could deal with this. So could Jackson.
Steeling himself, Jackson left his room to find Mark and Yugyeom. Mark was in the kitchen on his phone, watching a random YouTube video he found amusing.
The second he heard footsteps, he looked up. Jackson gave him a quick nod and told him to grab his wallet and get ready to go out. Mark didn't question him, but heard him talking to Yugyeom about getting food and going for a walk with him and 'Mark hyung'.
Jaebum gave Mark a look when he passed him, basically telling him that he must be responsible when they're out, because he's the oldest.
Jackson took his two companions to a small corner store, had Mark buy them ice creams and proceded to lead them randomly through out streets and alleyways.
As Mark and Yugyeom ate their ice creams, Jackson told them things. Random things to more important things, licking his ice cream if it got too melty.
He started off telling them all about his old school in Hong Kong, going on to telling them about fencing and his family. He spoke seriously, lacking the joking air that he usually held around him. He told them his thoughts about the world, and then his old thoughts, the ones he used to think about himself, to his current feelings.
He let loose a few secrets he had held close, and told them things about himself he hadn't realised until then, when he just couldn't stop talking and he was finally being alerted by his subconscious that these were things that he did/was/thought.
Mark had stared at the sky while they walked and talked, holding Jacksons hand, trusting that he would lead him safely.
He watched as it changed colors. He watched as all sorts of clouds drifted past at different paces. He watched as the sky turned different hues and birds flowed across the sky's large expanse.
Eventually, stars started twinkling behind those clouds and birds, and Mark pretended he knew constellations and created shapes in his head.
There was a crown, there was a flower, there was banana. There was the number 7.
It was rather pretty. Not with purples and greens like on Google Images. Just one, large, navy blue canvas with white dots spattered across it.
Yugyeom had spent the entire time contemplating. He compared all of his thoughts to Jackson's. He realised things about the world and noticed the things Jackson (and ocassionally) Mark pointed out to him.
There was a lot that he had missed out on because he had become a trainee (and then an idol) and now some of those things had become clearer to him. He knew there was a lot that he would never be able to experience, just like the other members, there were opportunities he had missed out on.
He looked at his elders intwined hands and felt a flood of affection towards the two, and the rest of his group. How long would they last? How long will they stay together with such comfort around each other? Would they get past the five year mark?
'There is nothing so bad as parting with one's friends. One seems so forlorn without them.' (Jane Austen. Pride and Prejudice.) He recalled his mother telling him.
He didn't know the answer to his questions, but for now there were six other people in his life that he held dear, and never wanted to let go.
'The most beautiful discovery true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.' (Elizabeth Foley.) He recalled his grandmother saying.
He was full of quotes and phrases. Repeated to him by family and the little voice in his head that often sang one part of a song over and over.
That one voice reminded him of things. Only sounds, though. It was for quotes he had heard, lines from movies and conversations others had had with him around. And music.
Lots of song lyrics were up there. Darting around his head. Sometimes they were even their own songs ('A' popped into his head frequently) but that's not the point.The point is, Yugyeom knew, was that, to the world you may be one person; but to one person you maybe the world. (Dr. Seuss.)
Publication Date: 09-24-2015
All Rights Reserved
I dedicate this to everyone who has ever been treated horribly in their life, anyone who has ever been told to 'go die'. I know what it's like and I hope that you'll all be okay. I love you. I also dedicate this to the people who make us feel better when we are depressed. You are the most amazing people and thank you for existing, we appreciate you very much. I love you guys too.