I open my eyes and squint. Light—much too bright, peers through. I bring my hand up to shield my face. Where am I?
I realize I am lying down, on a bed of grass. It felt plush and smooth, almost velvet-y, as it brushed against my skin. Realizing the light had dimmed somewhat or maybe my eyes had adjusted to its potent brightness. I could finally take a peek at my surroundings. And more importantly I thought, find the source of what felt like unyielding light. So I did. And I catch my breath—or more accurately put—it was literately lodged in my throat somewhere. And all I could do was stare—held in literal awe at the view before me.
There were trees, as far as I could see. But these trees were not like anything I’d ever seen—they gave off rays of light. Like the way sunlight is reflected through a window. Only a thousand times more—they sparkled. No tiny specks of randomly floating dust particles—only glittering orbs of light. Dancing. Suspended in the air. It was beautiful!—no. Breath-taking.
And before I could ask myself a whole series of questions that were no doubt swimming at the tip of my consciousness—I get up and brush myself off. And spin around slowly. Wow. These trees—they stood tall. Very tall. I imagined me an ant in comparison. And they were spaced far apart. No one tree overshadowed or overlapped the other. And I swear, I could feel them…breathing. They seemed alive—and not just in the general organic sense, but...consciously alive. They were…aware of me, as I was of them.
After sometime—don’t know how long, I had started to walk. Despite having no idea where I was going, or even where I was, I wanted to see more. Feel more. I felt…refreshed. Revitalized somehow. I could only feel...light.
I see no roads or street signs—only the lighted paths made by the trees. “Ouch.” Id felt a tinge of pain, and lifted my foot. An acorn? I rubbed my foot, and picked it up. And now was staring at it, in the palm of my hand. I smiled. There were no other acorns on the ground. I looked up at the tree I assumed the acorn fell from. Nope—no acorns there either. I stare at the tree—or was more like instantaneously hypnotized by it. It sparkled. Like the others. I reach my hand out and watch as the light reflects and bounces off my hand. And if I hold my palm steady it looked like I was holding a beam of light. I stand there and play with the tree—the tree’s light.
I am totally enchanted by this place—it feels magical. Like fairytale type magical—where nature comes alive, and the animals literally speak to you. It is hard to be on your guard—or worried even—when surrounded by feelings of such...pureness? A place it seems untouched by any feeling or thought—not of beauty. I smiled at the thought, as I looked to the sky—seeing only the tree tops.
The limbs branched out, like an umbrella. Casting down beams of light, reminding me of rain. I gazed overhead, as I spun around slowly. When I hear crunching leaves. I quickly turn my head, and extend my ears in the direction of where I thought the sound had come from. Behind me? No, beside me. Somewhere not too far off next to me. It sounded like feet hitting dried out fallen leaves. I look down at the ground, seeing only crisp green grass, for what seemed like miles. In all directions. How can that be? I had heard it. Right?
Looking down now, with a furrowed brow. I watch showers of light, sprinkle the ground. Making the grass appear animated, as it slowly touched down and blinked out. It was beautiful. Mesmerizing. And almost had me forgetting why I was looking so intently at the ground—completely rapt—in the first place. Almost.
It was with me now—a tingling sensation—all over. Like tiny needles, lightly pricking my body, and engorging my senses. Making me suddenly aware of...another. Someone’s here with me? I peer through the trees. Had I somehow overlooked or hadn’t noticed someone else? Not likely. I hadn’t seen anything or anyone, since I woke up here. It was only me and the trees—or so I had thought. And looking out now—still not seeing anything or anyone, it would seem, I had been right. I had been alone. I was alone.
It would of been so easy right then, to chuck up, what I just heard, to mere 'mind playing tricks' or better yet, utter denial. Only...I knew better.
Trying to make sense of it--through my head--was the problem. I had come to realize, hanging on to 'no-ways, cant-be's, and not possible's'--here (where ever I am), left me feeling heavy. Like trying to think when you have static-y white noise playing in the background. Choosing to go with the flow, as they say, made things easier. And it seemed to heighten my other senses--exponentially. Or maybe for once my focus was somewhere else--besides my thinking brain.
I realized tuning into my senses, and body, is where I...could feel this other.
And for the first time--ever, I was not thinking--at all, only feeling. And it felt...good.
I had tapped into...something. Something ancient, something lost, something I had forgotten. Something real. Only I couldnt feel--what, only that it was there. And in that moment something changed in me. I let go...and let be. I opened myself to...myself.
Allowing myself, to let go, to breathe, to...feel. Who knew there was so much in me, that had not been felt? So much...of everything. It was beautiful. I was beautiful. I realized, in that moment, all of it...shaped me. Feeling tears on my face, I opened my eyes--I hadnt realized that I had closed them. I was still in the exact same spot I was in--before my cosmic epiphany moment. I was sure, I had got swept up by something. Something graceful..and it had taken me to the stars. But I was still here, still surrounded by magic--I was sure. And I was also still aware of the other with me. They hadnt left me.
Somehow I knew, and felt, what just happened to me...was no coincidence..and that my 'unseen stranger' had something to do with it. I smiled. Seen or unseen...what just happened to me was...me-changing. And I couldnt help but feel gratitude...and mild curiosity--okay red hot! curiosity about this stranger.
I see how the tangled roots of a tree formed an odd bowl-like shape—perfect for sitting. I walk over, slide down its smooth trunk, and lay my head back. The roots extended out, almost touching my knees. Feeling like long arms. I nestled in between. I take a deep breath, and close my eyes. I needed to think—it felt alitte disconcerting to force myself to think for a change. Normally its the other way around--I think alot. I use to think it was a good thing, but now, after this...Im not so sure its all its cracked up to be. I was surprised, I still could--after the 'feeling' ordeal earlier. And I was waiting for clever rationale to show up, and spit out all the reasons all of this was just beyond real--the slim-to-none chance of any of this being other than very--unreal.
My faithful companion was there...but there was no spitting. No harsh words. Only...contemplation and questions: Where am I?? Does it even matter? What has happened to me? How did I get here? And the most obvious, that I wanted to ask--and to have answered right then and there, by the only other one that was there with me, was: Why..are you...hiding from me?
I had been silently breathing for awhile, when I feel a light touch on my shoulder. And I catch my breath. And slowly feel my heart begin to beat rather rapidly and with force. Making it hard to concentrate on anything else—let alone getting my eyelids to function properly. I guess on some level, I hoped I imagined it. But my body could not ignore what it felt, and I realized neither could I. I slowly—with much concentration—opened my eyes.
I didnt know what I was expecting, but immediately felt disappointed. There was nothing there. I close my eyes. Ugh! I am beyond frustrated. "Coward!" I hear myself say. I notice I am waiting for a response. After sitting for awhile, and waiting for something to happen. I get up, and wipe myself off. Ahead of me, I see a breakthrough from the trees. I stop and stand on my tiptoes. Its water. It almost looked like an island all by itself. Somehow nestled in between the surrounding forest. From here, I could see what looked like a drop. And where the grass lead way to the shallow shore.
Walking toward the drop, hearing the waves, rushing to shore. Reminded me of how much I loved that sound. And looking out now, at the water, seeing varied shades of blue and green, I could only feel…good. Relaxed. At the drop, I sit down and stare out, over the water. I look down at my feet, and notice a narrow, but distinguished path leading down to the shore. It was flanked with patches of the most beautiful pink and purple flowers. With petals that shimmered, and stems almost as long as my arms.
Languidly walking down the path, bending down ever so often, to smell the sweetest scent. I start to feel the water gently spray me, as the wind moved the waves closer to shore. Almost there. I could finally see the bottom of the seemingly endless path. I bend down, one last time, to smell a flower. When I see... When I see...him.
Flower in hand, and mouth agape, I pause—literally, pause. After sometime, I realize my hand has gone limp, and my knees have started to ache. Only I couldn’t move—atleast not yet. He was bent down, leaning over the water. I slowly stood up. Never once looking away—or more accurately put, never once wanting to.
He was several feet away, and hadn’t moved. Could this be..? Do I even need to ask? I stood there and breathed him in. I wanted to move closer, I wanted to say something, I wanted him to turn around. I wanted…to be able to do something else, besides stand here, and want to, want to do something. How has he not noticed me? Or...has he noticed? Of course, he has.
I smiled. So why are you pretending not to notice me, noticing you?
Somehow I feel him smiling. And I feel my heart beating.
I stepped closer… And I reach my hand out, to tap his shoulder. He starts to turn around. And it all becomes blurry.. I opened my eyes.
I found myself staring at a ceiling. I feel my body—completely relaxed on my bed. Ugh! Another fantastic dream—to leave me completely raptured and utterly unsatisfied once I find myself back in my room. Looking at a clock, that now tells me: it is nine past eight in the morning. I lay there—still feeling a definitely muted version of where I was just at. Heaven? Hmm..where ever I was—I had to go back. I glance back at the clock, and realize forty minutes has gone by. I sighed. Cant sleep now. I stretch my body, and head to the bathroom. After my eyes adjust—I turn to the sink, and splash my face—twice. I shut my door, and get back in bed. I had to hold this dream, this world, this feeling a little longer—even if now, it only seemed like a far off place, embedded deep in my imagination. It definitely felt more real than—laying here now, in my bedroom. Glaring at my clock—trying to will time to stop. No such luck. I sigh and walk to my closet. I grabbed a pair of jeans, and a sweater, put them on, and leave the room. I immediately turn back. Am I forgetting something? Yes. I go to my drawer, grab my cigarettes, and put them in the pocket of my oversized sweater. Pull down my sleeves and shut the door.
After I cleaned my face, and turned off the light in the bathroom. I hear squeaking as I trot down the stairs. Quiet house. Staff must be out grocery shopping—I did happen to notice no milk last night. Never a good thing. I go to the frig, and pour some iced tea. I sip on it while sitting on a barstool at the kitchen counter. And for the first time, since lying in bed. I find myself thinking back on that place. I realize I am staring into space, when the phone rings. I jump, and decide to let the answering machine have it. "St. Marys Home for Children. Please leave a message and we will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you, and have a blessed day." It clicks off. No message. Above the phone, I see a note, tacked to the board, addressed to me. I snatch it off and begin reading:
Good morning Yin, I noticed this morning there was no milk in the frig.
Out to get some, and pick up some other items we need for the house.
If I dont see you, have a good day. And if you stay out, please call us.
You know how we worry. Love you xoxo
Oh! That reminds me. I go back upstairs, and grab my phone by the nightstand. I realize I remembered to charge it last night. Yes! I pick up my house keys on the table, and head out the door.
Standing on the front porch, I notice its raining. Not heavy though, more like a light drizzle. I pulled up the hoodie attached to the sweater. Ahh, so comfy. I loved this sweater. Or hoodie? It had the best of both: warm and fuzzy like a sweater, with all the room and pockets of a hoodie. Something I realized I was thankful for, staring out at the wet pavement. I light a cigarette, as I checked my one message. It was from Gary. My co-worker slash partner-in-crime, who works at one of the soup kitchens in town, that I volunteer at. He sounded like he was having some kind of..something moment, as I caught bits and pieces of his message. I look at the clock on my phone—shoot. I would normally be there by now. I start heading that way.
I had been walking for a while, and had started to play in the rain. Kicking some puddles, while side-stepping others. It was not too cold outside. It felt warm. Making the light rain, cool and refreshing on my face. Nice. I noticed I felt elated? Excited even? Like a giddy school girl!—who just got asked to prom! By the guy she has liked since forever! Okay, weird thought. Considering 'prom'--and everything that went along with it: the dress, the shoes, the corscage, the make-up, the..(fill in the blank). Call me lazy but...I just never could get into it--it all seemed like alot of work. And I had been too busy studying, reading, or taking brain-wrenching exams to pay any attention. By my senior year, I had concluded that highschool didnt feel so 'high' anymore. Each month I had felt less and less..there. And its not like I would of been crazy missed anyway. I mean I didnt really have friends per say. Everyone liked me--of course, because Im so likable! But no one had really known me. Looking back on it now, I realized I drifted,--never staying in one place--or in this case, one clique or one group too long. I was known on the outside as being that someone who gave a warm smile, comforting hug, or a big laugh when needed. Or that person, they came to--to just listen. And I enjoyed it! But on the other side of that beautiful coin holds the reason--no one really knew me. And after almost four years in, I started to feel..that restless feeling. As I always do. And I was ready for a change. And I was more than ready to be handed that rolled-up slip of paper, claiming I was ready for the big-bad world. So I worked my butt off, and kissed whoevers butt I needed to, to make it happen. Hence: no time to pay attention to things like prom. I ended up graduating almost a semester early.Yay me! I hear a loud noise and instinctively cover my ears. I looked up and see a bus stopping across the street, to let off passengers. I realized it stopped almost in front of the building. That no doubt held, Im pretty sure an annoyed Gary.
I step through the back door. "Yin? Yin is that you?" I smiled. Yep, his annoyed. "Yea Gair, its me." I walked pass the narrow hallway to the kitchen. Turning the corner, I imagined Gary sitting indian-style, trying to think 'happy thoughts,' as he breathed in and out slowly. I cover my smile, when I see him leaning on the kitchen counter, with his eyes closed, and arms crossed over his chest. (Trying to think happy thoughts--I was sure.) I was about to open my mouth and say something funny, probably Tinkerbell-Peter Pan related, when I hear, "Shut up." He opens his big brown eyes, meeting mine. I feign offended, "What? I didnt even say anything." "Well, no. But I saw you smiling. And if I know you--you were probably thinking of something.. not funny to say. Am I right?" Being sarcastic myself, I wipe a fake tear, as I put my hand to my heart, "Aww..you know me so well." He stifles a laugh. Mission accomplished.
I jump up on the island in the middle of the small, but functional kitchen area. "So, what happened?" "You! You happened." "What? What you mean?" "The guys--apparently need you here and cant eat without you." I stifle a laugh, "Shutup really? Aww thats so cute." "Yea for you maybe. But I was pissed. They kept going on about why you werent here yet. Errh!" He rolls his eyes and pulls at his shaggy brown hair. I stifle a laugh, “Sorry I was later than usual.” “Yea that’s not like you.” He sits down on a stool, and eyes me suspiciously. “So why were you late?” I walk over to the sink to wash my hands—pretending to downplay a possible conversation I didn’t want to have—atleast not now. “Oh. I forgot to set the alarm.” I look at the kitchen clock. The numbers are way to big on that thing. “So what are we serving for lunch?" "Oh that reminds me. We are out of milk too—that was the other thing," Gary says, sounding irritated. I frown. What is up with the milk today? "'Our regulars'..” He put up quotation signs for emphasis. “..were pretty bummed this morning, when all they had to choose from was an apple and a bowl of watered-down oatmeal. I think we have spoiled them." The men who were pretty much homeless, and counted on our service everyday for food. Got the nickname from us. It made light the situation, that obviously is a heavy one. "Was it Pete?" "What do you think? He always complains to me—not you. But me." Smiling, I open the door to the frig, "So.. lunch?" "What?..oh yea, cold cuts?" I began doing check marks in my head, as I survey the frig. "Sounds good, we have it all right here." "Good." We both prepare the meal in silence.
Gary—it is so like him to overreact, for the sake of overreacting. After we finished preparing lunch, I realize there are some dishes in the sink—I start the tap. He is a sweetheart though—like the real kind. Even when he is annoyed, like just now. I know it breaks his heart alittle that ‘our regulars’ had to settle for soggy oatmeal. He is one of the few, who actually gets paid to work here. But he would do it anyway. He is a lifer—like me. Meaning: we both enjoy it. And we cant see in our lifetime, of that ever changing. He has been serving, in this soup kitchen, for years—and he is the youngest one here—well, besides me. He just graduated. Majoring in the arts—culinary arts. Matter of fact, the plaque he so adamantly threw in my face for a week—hangs over the kitchen door. "Gair, who moved the soap?" "Oh. that was me. 'Clean up on aisle six.'”—He does his best female cashier impersonation. Making it sound a lot less female—and looking alittle too cute while he does it. I bust out laughing. "Its not funny!" He glares at me, as he hands me the soap. Aisle six--the dreaded zone. The centers one and only bathroom, that we all share. Technically, it is only the staff's. "One of the guys?" "I think so, Linda hates using that bathroom. And I think she was the last to leave after dinner. Nothing major, thank god! Just a bleeding pen, it looked like." "See, you had me thinking it was the other thing." "Eww..didnt you just hear me thank the lord?" I laugh.
Dishes done. I start stacking plates, and moving the food to the buffet tables. No one has come in yet. Crap—I forgot the spoons. "Gary, grab the spoons, for me?" I yell through the swinging doors. He comes in with the punch bowl and spoons. Looking like he might drop it. He doesnt of course. "Thank you." I rearrange the food, utensils, and cups. After my stamp of approval—I turn to Gary. "Could I possibly go take a smoke break?" “If your asking me—then no. You may not. I hate those things.” "Oh please, oh please." He rolls his eyes, "Funny." He continues to pour the soup. I look at him, while I pout my lips. “Yin will you just go! And why are you asking me anyway? Just go. And hurry back!” I give him a salute. He smiles—pretending to ignore me. I smirk, and head out the back door. Teasing him is so fun.
Sitting on the steps, I look out at the woods beside me. Trees. Its just something about them--their so calming. Ahh..I love trees. "I know." What? I heard it, but then technically I didnt. Because that would mean, I had used my ears--I hadnt. Just like in my dream—only now I was wide awake. I immediately think of--no. Feel my dream. And for a split second, it all comes back to me. I sit there. I notice that my heart--this heart, (the actual body organ), is just as overcome. Because it is beating very loud now. I place my hand there. I realize my hand feels it too. "You smoke? You know those things a kill ya." Silence. "Yin?" I hear my name. What? "Oh. Hey Pete." "Did you hear what I just said?" I smile. His southern accent? Had his 'hear', sounding like 'er'. "Oh no, Im sorry, what?"
"I cant believe you smoke." "I get that alot." "Well, I bet. Your too pretty to be smoking." "Ive heard that one too" "And how old are you?" "Im legal." Two months now. "Right." I laugh. I notice he has one tucked in his earlobe, unlit. I look at him, then the cigarette. "What?" I do it again. He plays dumb. "Do I need to make the gesture a third time? Im not letting you off the hook that easy. You giving me such a hard time." "See, I care. I dont want you to end up like me." Now I hear myself say, "right." We both laugh. "Have you ate yet?" "No, Ive been waiting for you. Gary told me where you were." "Oh." "Well you coming?" I put my cigarette out. "With you? Well of course." I lock my arm in his. We walk through the front door. "There you are." I hear Gary say. "Im here."
"You need me to walk you home? Its gettin dark." "Im not too far." "Anywhere walking alone, in the dark, is far." He made sure to enunicate the alone part. "Its not dark yet. Trust me Gair. I'll be fine." "Okay, well call me. And dont forget, like you always do." "I know, I know." We hug. And I head back the way I came. I laugh--replaying in my mind, certain events of the day. Oh those guys! I could hang around there all day. Its so easy to do, being around those boys. I like knowing I can help, and they are so teasingly grateful. I smile. "Beautiful." I immediately know who it is--I do not stop walking. I realize this because I am concentrating on every step. I pretend I am alone, and did not just hear--what every cell in my body, it seemed felt. I mean if I acknowledged that--I am going crazy. Or at the very least have some type of mental disorder. I feel him laugh. I continue walking.
I realize I am almost running to the house. I put my key in, and open the door. I glance at the clock. Crap--I forgot to call. I hurry up stairs to my room. I still feel him with me. Or atleast my body and senses do. My mind is choosing to ignore both of them. "Hey Yin." I whip around. "Oh my god. Terry you scared me. Hey." "Are you alright?" "What?..oh yea, Im fine." "Gary called to let us know you were on your way home. He knew you'd forget." "And he would be right. Sorry." She smiles. "Since we have no kids here at the moment, I have to find things to do." "Yea I kno, its different." "Are you heading off to bed?" "I'll probably watch some tv. But first a shower." "Yea, you do smell of smoke." I ignore her, and go to my drawer. Grab my lotion, bodywash, shampoo, and face cleaner--my nightly essentials. I hear Terry shut the door. What to wear? Well duh. What I always wear: tshirt and jogging pants--that Id never really jogged in, despite the name.
In the bathroom, I start the shower. I start to undress--I immediately stop. I am embarrased to be naked. I dont feel him with me now though. My mind uses this opportunity to totally debunk all I had felt up until this point--it helps. I finish undressing, and step in the shower. Ahh..I close my eyes. It feels so good. I let the water rain on my face. I tilt my head back. I use my fingers to massage my scalp. "Yin, the water has been on for thirty minutes." "Kay." That long? I step out, and pat myself off. I lotion and get dressed. I wipe the steam away, and look in the mirror. I frown--ugh, dont like that face. I smile. I find myself making crazy faces in the mirror. I start laughing. Its hard to take myself seriously, when all I have is a mirror--but I try. I look into my eyes. Something, I realized I dont do too often, if ever. I see muted green. Maybe a hint of violet, around the ring . And if I look close enough, other tiny specks of colors. The eyes--seem to show you everything. And they are beautiful. And definitely compelling, if you stare deeply enough. Like I seemed to be doing now--whoa. Im cross-eyed. No. Wait. I take a step back. Nevermind.
I take this once in a lifetime opportunity. To survey myself. "Oh god." I hear myself say. Its just something I dont really like to do. I find the courage. I guess Im okay. For what though? It just seemed so strange. I mean I like how I look. I have almost a dark caramel color complexion. If I wanted to get all sensual about it. Like a Sugar Daddy or the inside of a Snickers. Hmm..Snickers. I liked my shading, as I called it. It seemed to be in between all the other colors I'd seen. Unorginal. I wished my skin was blue or a deep green. Wow. Now that would be something I hadnt seen before. I turn to the side. And try to pull off a sexy pose, I laugh. My body is unorginal too. Although I have been told otherwise. I do love my hair, it may be the only almost orginal thing, besides my eyes. Its dark, looks black depending on the light. Hmm..maybe its a dark brown? Its kinky. I use kinky more as an adjective than an actual fact. More like loose decadent spirals. I decide to spice up the commentary here. Its pretty long, mid shoulder. Big. I have big hair, which I love. I cant really pull off an afro, but I do try sometimes. I realize I am playing with it now. Watching it move. It feels good. Smooth, like a babys bottom. I laugh. I bring my eyes to my face, blow myself a kiss, and wink. I finally leave the bathroom. Shut the door behind me, and bump into Terry. "Gosh Yin, what were you doing in there?" She picks up the clothes that fell from her basket, I help. "Oh." "Thats the longest I think you have spent in there." "Really? I didnt notice." She gives me a look. I ignore it and head to my room.
After I open the drawer, to put my nightly essentials away. I realized I forgot to use my face cleaner. My face seemed pretty clean and smooth in the mirror. So, I shrug. And close the drawer. I go downstairs to the living room. Plop on the couch, and look for the remote. I turn on the tv. The news. Ugh. Terry loves this channel. How can anyone stand to watch it, after five minutes or so. I get chills. I mean most of its bad or atleast makes you feel bad. Like the world around you, is filled with so much terror and devastation. Your so terrified to walk out your door. Who knows who could be lerking in the shadows. Ugh, I cant take feeling like that every morning, noon, and night. No thank you. I'll let me decide how my world is, by being in it everyday. I turn the channel. Everybody Loves Raymond. Nice. I watch. I realize I am laughing, when Terry comes in. "What you watching?" "Oh hey Terry, Everybody Loves Raymond." "Good show?" "One of the good ones." She sits down, and begins to watch. We are both laughing. We look at each other. "It is a funny show." "I know." "So, how were the boys today? Did they behave?" "Hardly" I smile. I turn back to the tv. A commerical. Ugh.
"Would you like some drink Terry? I cant seem to find anything I want in here" "Where you at?" "In the kitchen, looking in the frig." "Look in the staff room, on the desk" "Kay." I open the door. "Yes!" I hear footsteps, Terry is in the doorway. "Is this for me?" She smiles, "Yes. But dont let June find out. You know how she doesnt like it, when you eat to much chocolate." I put my fingers to my lips, and pretend to zip them up. We hug. "Thank you, thank you. Have I ever told you how much I love you?" She rolls her eyes, and smiles. I grab my bag of, well pretty much assorted chocolates, and head back into the living room. I get a blanket and pillow. And open my bag of chocolatey goodness. Ahh, a Snickers. The miniature kind. Hmm..bite size. I was watching tv, eating chocolate, and in a complete state of comfort. "Yin, shouldnt you be in bed?" "Its not that late." "Its almost two." "Really?" I look at the clock. "Oh, it is." "Yes, it is. I have to stay up on my shift. But you? You need to get some sleep." For some reason, I hesitate to get up. "Yin" "Huh?" "Turn off the tv. Hand me the chocolate. And go to your room." I was following orders, when I realized why I had seemed hesitant before. My dream. How it felt. Him. I exhale, and head upstairs. "Night, Yin." "Night." I close my door.
What to do now? I wasnt really at the pass out stage. Despite it being two in the morning. I turn on the bedside lamp. Grab my pad. Get in bed. Scrunch up my legs , while I sit up to draw. My hand had been moving for a while, when I remember to charge my phone. I lean over, find the charger still plugged in. Good. I decide to check my messages. None. I write Gary. Telling him thanks for doing what he knew I would forget. I turn back to my pad. Doodling is fun. But after awhile, it all starts running together. I turn the page. "Hey, you." I immediately look up. I wasnt surprised to find nothing there. Hey me? "Yea, you." I hear teasing in his voice. I play along. I mean if this is me having some sort of mental breakdown, I should atleast figure out the culprit. I turn back to my pad. "And you would be?" "I am you, having a mental breakdown, remember?." "Funny." It was. I realized I had been drawing for a while in silence. I tried to see if my senses or body was picking up anything. I couldnt rely on my mind, it was made up at 'hey you'. "Looking for me?" "No." I smile. And then immediately wished I hadnt. Can you see me? "No. Not like you do." "So, you cant see what I am doing right now.?" I stuck out my tongue. "No. But.." "But, what?" "I know what you are doing." I stop. He laughs. "What, you scared of me?" "I dont know, should I be?" "Listen." For some reason, I close my eyes. "What do you feel?" I realized I felt safe. Comfortable. And kind of giddy. It felt familiar. Or he did? "Who are you?" "That is a big question." "No, its not." "You sure? Who are you?" I pause. Okay so it is, or atleast hard to answer.
I hear a knock on my door. I jump. "Yin, who you talking to? I hear mumbling. If its Gary, tell him, I told you, to tell him goodbye." I realized I was talking out loud. Or atleast mumbling, as Terry put it. "Okay." I hear footsteps on the stairs. You still there? "Yes." So, you can still hear me, even if I dont speak? "Yes. If you want me to." I realized I did. "Good." So, you can hear my every thought? "No, that would drive me crazy." I laugh out loud. I immediately remember Terry, and stifle my laugh. Your funny. "You think so?" Yes I do. I feel him smile. "How do you do that?" "What?" "Show me what you are doing, without showing me?" "Oh, that. Well its you really." No, its not. Somehow I felt you. Not me. "Thats not what I meant." Okay, what did you mean? "You see more than just with your eyes." Oh. I realized I had been sitting there for awhile, trying to figure that one out. "Need help?" I smile. Do I even need to answer? He laughs. "You see with feeling. You are open enough to allow other senses sight. The eyes are not the only sense that can see." But thats what I was taught. "I know." So, is it like a super power? "That depends." Yea.. "Well, what do you mean by super power?" Am I special? "Yes, you are. But not for the reason you think." I realized I had been waiting for him to continue, when one of my legs start to ache. I put my pad and pen in the drawer. Turn off the lamp. I am laying in bed, looking at the ceiling.
Lying here, I couldnt help but think. I'll admit, the mind is a beautiful thing, but sometimes it falls short. I mean it can only take you so far. Hear I am, having a conversation with someone. Who I cant see. But definitely feel. Dont know. But then again, I do. I mean I may not know his name or where he grew up or his life story. But I cant shake this feeling, that I know him somehow. Like the actual person. All my mind has done is tell me how crazy I am. And how I should get checked out. I laugh. Its funny. And all my body seems to feel, is the complete opposite. Like it hasnt felt this alive in ages, if ever. And my senses, well apparently, they can also see and hear. Who knows what else. And without using the actual body parts assigned to those positions. I take a breath. I close my eyes. I think I have had enough to process for one day. Last thing I remember is
looking at the clock.
Author's note: This is in the very early stages of editing/writing (there will be changes-I'm sure). Also the following chapters are 'untitled' I haven't gotten around(doubt set in and I stopped :() to finding the names and re-editing/changing what I have wrote.
"Yin!" Silence. "Yin! Get up!" Knocking on the door. "Yin, if you dont answer me, I will open this door right now!" Huh? "Ok. Glenda Im up!" I rub my eyes. And fall back into the pillow. I sigh. I dont remember falling asleep. I dont even remember dreaming. I turn to the clock. "Yin, can I come in?" "Yea." She lays laundry on my bed. "Thanks." She frowns. "Your old enough to do your own laundry." "And I do." "Then why do I seem to always be." "Because everything has to be done on your time." "It does not." "Okay." "Are you trying to be funny?" "What?" "I know what that 'okay' stands for." "Okay." "See!" She throws a pillow at me. I laugh. She smiles, and shuts the door. I check my phone. One message. Gary telling me to call him later, and to not forget. I realize its a Saturday. I dont get to see the boys til Monday. Maybe I can do something with him later. I head to the bathroom.
In my room, I find a tshirt and some jeans. I put them on. Grab my scrunchie from the nightstand. And pull my hair up. Ahh..thats better. I look out my window. Cloudy. Grey. Wet. I look in my closet for my comfy hoodie. I stuff my cigarettes and phone in its pockets, and shut the door. I hear a noise in the kitchen. "So your finally up?" "No. Im still sleeping." "You got jokes." "Apparently, you want one?" "Whats up your butt?" "I dont know, you wanna see?" "Yin, cut it out." I stifle a laugh, and look in the frig. "What are you looking for?" I ignore her and grab the milk. I realize she is mixing something, without a mixer. That was the noise. "Excuse me." "What do you need?" "Why do you always have to pester me?" "Pester? Really Yin?" "Shut up, its all I got." She laughs. And moves, so I can grab a spoon. I reach for a bowl. "So what are you making?" I look at her. She stifles a laugh. Hmm..Capn' Crunch. I begin to eat. "Yin?" I dont look up. "No, seriously." I look at her. "Whats wrong?" "Besides you pestering me? Nothing." I make sure to enunciate the word pester. "Yea, okay." "Why do you think something is wrong?" "Cause your frowning. You havent smiled once." I smile. "Yin! Im serious." "I dont know." She pours batter in a dish, and puts it in the oven. The phone rings. "St. Marys Home for Children..." I tune her out.
I didnt really know why I was in such a stinky mood. Its not like I planned it. I hadnt even realized it was stinky, til she mentioned it. I didnt really feel bad. Like depression type bad. I just felt..ugh. Ugh. It was one of those ugh days. I have to do something to get me out of this. I need a cigarette. I put my dish in the washer. And head for the back door. I am on the swing, staring out, feeling comfort from the rain, when my phone rings. Its Gary. "Hello." "Hey, what you doing?" "Smoking." "Ugh." "Yea, ugh." "Whats wrong with you?" "Ive been trying to figure that one out. Im okay though. I guess just bored, maybe?" "You wanna hang out later?" "Maybe, if I feel up to it. What you have in mind?" "Board games, cards?" "Yay, okay." I immediately find myself smiling. "Thanks Gair." "For what?" "Giving me my first actual smile of the day." "Aww.. I think that is the sweetest thing you have ever said to me." "What about the time, I told you, you had beautiful hair?" "Yea, but that was after you told me, you didnt really like the highlights." "Hey you asked, I answered. I adored your natural color. You didnt need 'highlights'" I put up quotations signs, despite the obvious. "Brown? I needed a new look." "Well I didnt quite adore that look. You looked like you were trying too hard." "Trying to hard?" "Yea, trying to look better. You already do Gair" "Aww.." We both laugh. "I think that was a kodak moment." I smile.
"So what was up with you yesterday?" "What do you mean?" "You were acting like a giddy school girl." "Who just got asked to prom?" "What?" "By the guy she has liked since forever?" "Yin, what are you talking about?" "Nothing. I always act like a giddy school girl." "True. But yesterday, I dont know. You were different." "How?" "Have you met someone?" I pause. "You have." "I didnt say that." "Well? have you?" "Why do you think I met someone?" "Cause you were starry-eyed. Like all day." "Whatever." "You were, Id catch you smiling, looking like you were thinking about 'a special someone'. Even Pete thought so." "What?" "Yea, he said he found you staring behind the building, lost in thought." "Well I was admiring the trees. They're beautiful." "I know, but you see those trees, those same trees, almost everyday. And he said, you were looking like you were seeing them for the first time. Yin?" "What?" "Have. you. met. someone.?" "Why do you think.." "You have already asked that. Are you trying to dodge the question? You are! So whats his name?" "How do you know its a he?" "Well have you switched sides?" "Oh." "Oh. what?" "Nothing." I put out my cigarette. "I dont have a side. 'This boat', 'that boat'..yada, yada.. If it rocks your boat, swing with it." "There you go 'metaphor-ing' again." I laugh. "Hey its what I do."
I go inside. Grab a blanket, and plop on the couch. "Are you going to answer the question?" "I dont know, okay?" "You dont know? How do you not know?" "Well I havent actually seen him." "You havent actually seen him..Oh, you met someone online? Who didnt have a profile pic? And you decided to talk with this person?" I realized this was an opportunity to talk about him, without having to explain, how I couldnt explain, how I met him. I take it. "Yea, so?" "And are you sure its a him?" I pause. "He definitely feels...masculine." "Yin, havent I told you anything about the dangers of..what do u mean by 'feels masculine'?" "You know, like it feels like a him, not a her. You know masculine, feminine.." "Yin, you can never be sure online. I mean you'd be surprised how many times, I have been surprised." "I dont mean gender Gair." "Well isnt that what we are talking about?" "I mean..energy? He just felt like a him, okay?" "Okay, moving on. So, whats his name?" "I dont know that either." "What? Okay wait a minute. You havent seen this person, and you dont know his name? Did you tell him yours?" "No." "Thank god! Yin are you crazy? I say drop him, or whoever it might be." "Oh, whatever Gair, not everyone is out to get you. And you dont even know what it was like. He was like. It was fun." "Fun?" "Yea, he had me laughing." "Yin you laugh at anything." I laugh. "See." "Whatever, he just felt different. I liked it. Him." "Like..like, like?" " Yea. I feel.. attracted to him." I realized I did. "His a mystery." "Yea, well see, that can get you into to trouble.Just be careful, kay?" "You know I will." "And try to get more than just, he made me laugh, next time. You know like a name, photo, something." "I'll try?" "Try?" "Okay Gair." "I mean it Yin." "Okay, okay." "I'll call you later, kay?" " Kay." We hang up.
I blow out air. Garys right. I mean, I dont know so much. Name, photo, these were the least of my issues. I didnt even know, if I knew, he was real. I turn my head, and look out the window. I sigh. But totally pushing rationale aside, I felt like I did. Underlining the word felt here. I mean which do I believe, the part that tells me, it goes against everything it has ever known to be possible? Or the part that wants to show me all that might be? The kicker is, I have to let go of all I have ever known. And assume there is something more to hold onto. I have to trust what I feel. Superpower right? I mean this is all happening to me for some reason. Crazy or not. Maybe crazy is a word, used to explain, what cant be. Or atleast, what cannot be understood through supposed logic. I mean whose to say, there isnt actually more out there. And not just in the ETs or other worlds department. But with us? Whose to say there isnt more to being human? More than we know is possible, because we have yet to understand it? I mean isnt that what evolution is all about? I just know, something has happened to me. Something that reason and logic, would have a feild day, of trying to explain. I lay back. I hear my stomach, and place my hand were it ached. I strain to hear if Glendas in the kitchen. Silence. Good. I cant deal with anything other than what I am dealing with right now. I get up, and walk to the kitchen.
"Is that all you've been eating?" "Whats wrong with chocolate?" "Nothing. Its just you are sitting at the table, with a plate of chocolate and a glass of water?" I look down at my plate. I had stuffed some chocolates from last night in my jogging pants. I was trying to figure out what to eat, when I remembered where they were. "So?" "So, you are eating like it is a full meal." "Its what my stomach wanted. And I felt like eating at the table. Whats wrong with that?" "Im just trying to understand the plate part." She looks at the plate. And then back at me. "So I wanted my chocolate on a plate." I shrug. "You are in a totally different place today." I ignore her. She takes out the dish in the oven. "Perfect." "Smells good, what'd you make?" "Oh, its Vanilla Upside Down Cake." "Upside down?" I smirk. "Yea, why?" "Cause anyway you eat it, it will be rightside up." "What?" "You know, rightside, as in your mouth and up, as in, moving it there? It was a joke." "You and your jokes, was that one suppose to be funny too?" I stifle a laugh, in between chewing. "No, that was. " She smiles, starts the washer, and picks up a newspaper by the table. "You want me to cook you some actual food for dinner?" She was staring at my now empty plate. "Maybe. I cant think of eating right now. Maybe later though." "Yea I bet." "I just ate lunch." "You didnt get up til lunch. Remember?" "Well three meals a day. I just had my second. So technically its my lunch." She rolls her eyes, and continues to read. I put the plate and glass in the sink. "Where you going now?" "Out to smoke." "I think I will too."
I realized the sky was clear. Still raining, but the sun was peeking through. "Ugh. This weather." "What? I kind of like it. Its refreshing." She looks at me. "Yin, you would." I sit on the swing, she follows. "What is that suppose to mean?" "Well duh. Your weird." "I know, so? What Im weird cause I like rain?" "No." "Well then what?" "Are you on your period?" "What? No. Why?" She laughs. A phone vibrates. She reaches in her pocket. "I hope its not who I think it is." She pulls it out. "Ugh, and it is." And snaps it shut. "Who was it?" "Oh, no one." I stare at her. "What?" "You know you want to tell me, so shoot." She sighs, and leans back. "This guy Ive been seeing for awhile." I wait for her to continue. She doesnt. "So, what about him?" "I dont know, his just too clingy for my taste." I pretend to look for him. "I dont see him on you now." She laughs. "Its just no mystery, you know? Its all out on the table." I immediately think of my unseen.. friend? "That might not be such a bad thing." "Well after awhile it becomes stale." "I disagree." "How would you even know?" She had a point. "Ive lived vicariously through enough shows, to know a thing or two." "Right." "Well are you attracted to him?" "Yea. I guess." "You guess? Then no." She pretends to hit me. "I mean his cute, nice enough body, gorgeous eyes.." "Thats not what I meant." "Huh? What did you mean then?" "Are you. attracted. to him?" "I just told you." I look at her. "Like how do you feel around him?" " Annoyed." I smile, despite myself. "Seriously." "I am." "Do you have butterflies, or does your heart flutter around him?" "Flutter?" "Just answer the question." She stares out. "I dont know. Thats fairytale stuff. In the 'real', you'll be lucky to find a guy that has all his teeth." I laugh.
"So does he?" "Huh?" "Make your heart fl..race?" "The last time my heart did anything besides beat. I was in highschool, with this boy named Derek. Agh..he was such a...." She pretends to kick a rock. "Wow. That bad huh?" She looks at me, realized what she just did. "Shut up." I smile. "So this Derek, did he give you butterflies?" "No! Yes." She sighs. "And he knew it too." "How?" "Cause I told him. Alot." "Now look whose being clingy." "I know. Hey I was young. And he liked me too. He just tried not to show it, even to me. We went out though. So, I dont know." "Yea. What happened?" "We just..stopped." "Stopped?" "Yea. I mean I still liked him, but I dont know. I just couldnt deal with it anymore. Ya know? It was just too hard." "What?" "Him, and I dont mean in the good way." She looks at me. We both laugh. " I should probably go back in." She checks her phone. "And do what?" "Nothing really." I light another cigarette. "So what about you? You just graduated highschool. Anybody giving you butterflies?" She bumps me on the shoulder. "I didnt just graduate." "Compared to me, yea you did." "In school, no. No Dereks' for me." "Aww..Yin, why not?" "I dont know. I mean I went out with guys. It was fun for the most part." "But you have not found someone special?" "Am I suppose to find him? No one told me." She looks at me. "Now that was funny." I hear my phone ring. "Hello?" "Hey its me, Im coming over." I hear the door open, and look up. Glenda goes inside. "Yin, you there?" "Yea, okay. See you soon."
I was in my room. I had took off my hoodie. I decided to swap my jeans for jogging pants. Game night with Gary. Had to be comfy. I sit on my bed. I realized I hadnt felt him today. I missed him. How it felt being with him. I missed that feeling. I fall back on the bed. I felt torn. Like I would break at the next impulse. My senses felt all over place, like I couldnt hold on to anything for too long. I felt blurry. Nothing felt clear. Even my thoughts seemed away somewhere. I felt like crying. I wipe a tear away. More run down my face.
"Yin, you in there?" I sit up. "Coming." I go to my drawer, find a shirt, and wipe my face. I take a breath, and open the door. Smiling, alittle too hard. "Hey Gair. Come in." "Whats up with you?" "Oh, nothing. You bring the games?" He looks down, in his arms. "Oh. yay! Scrabble." I take the games. And put them on the dresser. "You sure your okay?" "Yea. Im sure. So what you do today?" "Hung out. Played some poker." "Yea? Sounds fun. What game you want to play first?" "Uno?" I start dealing the cards. "So what about you?" "Hung out here with Glen." Knock on the door. "Speak of the devil. Yea come in." "You guys want something to eat?" "I could eat, what about you Gair?" "Yea, sure." She nods, and shuts the door.
"Uno!" He places his last card on the pile. "And thats how it gets done." I laugh. "So, do you know 'whats his name's' name yet?" "Funny, no. I havent fe..spoke to him today." "Wow, Yin." "What?" "Your upset about that too arent you?" "No." "Liar, its written all over your face." "It is not. Shut up." "And your grouchy. Id say so." "Whatever." "So, tell me about him. I need something." "Theres nothing to tell." "Okay Yin." He looks at me. I concentrate on passing out the cards. "Why.." "Yea. Why what?" "Why is it so hard for you to open up?" "What? Im open." "I mean yea, your open-minded, non-judgemental and all that. But thats not what Im talking about." "Well?" "I mean with how you feel." "I am." "Okay Yin." "Well you stop 'okay Yin-ing' me. You go first." He grabs a card. I realize he doesnt put anything down. I look up. He is looking at me. "Are you gonna go?" "Are you gonna answer my question?" "I did Gair." He places a card down.
We had been playing for awhile in silence. "Why are you so quiet?" "Why are you?" "Im not. Its just normally you would be talking my head off right about now. And your not." "Yin, you make it seem like all I do is talk." I look at him, and smirk. "Maybe today I have nothing to say." "Whatever. You always have something to say." I stare at him. "You have pretty eyes. Have I ever told you that?" "Yes, you have. Will you stop staring at me, and go?" "I wasnt staring." I place a card down. " I thought your eyes were brown. But now I see grey too." "Yin, my eyes are brown." "No. There not just brown. I see grey." "Why are you fascinated with my eyes, all of a sudden?" "Well were just sitting here, looking at each other. And I just happened to notice it." He rolls his eyes. I stick out my tongue. We both laugh. "Guys dinner's ready!" "Okay!" We open the door to find Glenda at the bottom of the stairs. "Well come on."
"This is good." I look at the Glenda. " Alot better than a plate of chocolate." "I wouldnt go that far." "Who had a plate of chocolate?" We both look at Gary. Glenda looks at me, and then so does Gary. "Oh. I should of known." He smirks, and continues to eat. "So how you been Gary? Met anyone yet?" He looks at Glenda. "No. And Im not looking." "Why not?" "Oh no reason. Just havent had the time. I guess. Although Yin has found someone." I look at Gary. And give him what I hoped was an evil stare. Glenda looks at me. "Yin! You met someone? When?" I look at her. I see Gary smiling, while he pretends to eat. I am going to kill him. Ugh. He knows Glen will not let this go. "Just someone online. Nothing special." I continue to eat. "So whats his name?" Gary bust out laughing. Glenda looks at him. "Whats so funny?" "Oh. Nothing." He stifles a laugh, and continues to eat. Glenda looks at me. I concentrate on eating my food. "So? Yin, whats his name?" "She doesnt know yet." "What? How does she not know his name?" "She didnt ask, I guess." Glenda looks at me. I realized I had not looked up once. "Yin?" "Yea?" "How do you not know his name?" "It just never came up. I guess" Gary laughs, "How does that happen?" "It just happened." "Well did you tell him yours?" "No." Glenda looks at me, and gets up to put her plate away. "So, wheres he from?" I look at her. "Let me guess, that didnt come up either?" Gary smirks. "No, it didnt."
I had put my plate in the washer. "I need a smoke." "I bet you do." I ignore her and head to my room to get my hoodie. I reenter the kitchen, and open the back door. "Wait for me." I shut the door behind me. Gary opens the door. "Didnt you hear me?" "You dont even smoke." "So?" "So, why are you out here?" "Somebodys mad." I sit on the swing, and light my cigarette. Gary sits beside me. "Are you mad?" I stare out, and gaze at the stars. Beautiful. I sigh. "Yin?" "What." "What you thinking about?" "Nothing. The stars." He looks up. "Yea, they are beautiful, arent they?" "Yes, they are. Have you ever wondered what else might be out there?" "You mean like aliens and stuff?" "I just mean..like anything. Do you think this is all there is?" " No. I believe in Heaven." "I dont just mean Heaven. I mean where we are now. Earth. The world around us. Do you ever think we may be missing out on something?" "Like what?" "I dont know. I mean what if there is more, and we just dont know about it. Ya know? Like we think this is all there is, because this is all we see. But what if its not?" "I dont know, I mean maybe there is. But how can we know?" "If you had a chance to know, do you think you would take it?" "What do you mean?" "Like would you take the blue pill or the red one?" "You talking about The Matrix?" "No. Its a metaphor Gair. Like if someone wanted to show you more, than what you have always thought to be true. Would you let them?" "I dont know. It would depend on the someone, I guess." "Why?" "Cause if there an asshole, then no. But if I felt like they knew what they were talking about, maybe. And if they were really hot too that would be a plus." I shove his shoulder and smile. "What about you?" I sigh. "I dont know. Maybe?" "Your taking that question alittle to seriously." "Huh? Why you say that?" "Cause you seem to be thinkng about it why too hard." I unforrowed my brow. "I was not." He ignores me."I guess I should be heading home." He gets up and stretches, "Ahh..I needed that." I smile, and put out my cigarette. We walk upstairs. I open my door. We stack all the games, and put them on my bed. "Aww..we didnt play Scrabble." "You and your Scrabble. Will play it next time." He puts them in his arms, and we leave my room. "I didnt see Glenda." 'Shes probably finishing up her shift. Terry comes in soon." "Oh okay." I open the front door. We walk out. "Call me tomorrow okay?" He walks to his car. "Okay. Drive safe. And I love you." He opens his car door. "I Love you too." I wait until he drives away, then head back inside.
I had been laying on th couch, zoned out, watching a movie. "Yin?" "Yea." "Do you want a snack or something?" "No. I just ate. Oh, hey Terry." "Hey, no you didnt. That was like three hours ago. You have been watching tv, ever since." I look at the clock. "Oh." "Yea. So you sure you dont want anything? I'll get it for you." "No, thats okay. Thanks though." I get up, and walk to the kitchen. Terry follows. I grab a bottled water and some Cheez Its. "I would of gotten it." "Oh, I know. But I got it." "Glen told me about the plate of chocolate today." She gives me a look. I smile. "A plate? Really Yin? I thought you gave me the bag last night." "It wasnt a full plate. And I only took a few." She rolls her eyes, and heads to the bathroom. I open my bottled water, and plop back on the couch.
"Terry, do we have The Matrix?" She comes in the room. I am on my knees, looking in the entertainment center. "The Matrix?" "Yea. You know, Neo.." "Oh yea. His a gorgeous man. I dont think we do." I frown. "Who Neo or Keanu?" "What? Its the same person." "Technically, yes. But then again, Neo can fly." " Yea, but Neo's not real." "How do you know?" "Yin, are you serious? Because its a movie. Its called 'acting'" "So, whose to say there isnt a 'Neo' somewhere? He could be real." "Someone wrote it. As in, they used their imagination. Meaning not real." I close the drawer, and sit back on the couch. "Whose to say whats real? In The Matrix, 'this' was not real." I gesture with my hands. "But we're not in The Matrix, are we?" I shrug. "You never know Terry. We could be plugged up to a machine right now." "Whatever." I laugh.
I had been walking. I dont know how long. I realize its dark. I look to the sky. I catch my breathe. Wow. I have never seen so many stars. The sky literally lit up. It felt beautiful. They seemed so close. Like I could reach out and touch one. They sparkled and danced. I smiled. I could gaze at them forever. I realized I had been gazing at them for awhile, and had not once wondered where I was. Or even how I got here. I fnally break my gaze with the sky. Last thing I remember is laying on the couch. I look around. I am standing in what appears to be a meadow. I feel the softest grass. I look down, and realize I am barefoot. I rub my toes through it. It feels good. I bend down to pick up a flower. Its blue. I turn it around in my hand, while the stars seem to beam down on it. I smile.
I was walking through the meadow, admiring the flowers, and gazing at the sky. I felt good. Like I could breath again. "I'm glad you like it." I stop. "Yea. Its me." I smile. "Someones happy to see me." I cant see you. "Do you want to?" I don't know. Maybe? I feel him smile. "Walk with me?" How can I walk with you, when I don't even know where you are? I immediately feel him next to me. I don't know how I do. I just do. "There, that better?" I could only nod my head. We had been walking in silence for awhile. Can you feel me, the way I feel you? "Yes." How do you feel with me? I suddenly stop. I feel my heart racing. And I feel nervous and excited. I feel..love. I catch my breath. "Does that answer your question?" I nod and concentrate on walking. I want to see you. "Why?" I don't know, because Id like too. "I'm not like you." What does that mean? "I am not who you expect to see." How do you know what I expect to see? "Turn around." I pause. I take a breath and slowly turn around. I stare at, what felt like, the most beautiful human. He looked transparent, like only a reflection. Or how Id imagine a hologram would look. But more solid, more real. I realize I am not looking at any one thing in particular. Like his eyes or what he wore. I seemed to be ignoring what I normally would of gave attention to. And find myself more wanting to know the person behind the reflection. He felt beautiful and familiar.
He had come to walk beside me. I realized I hadn't moved. We began walking. Or so I think. I realized we were moving, so I assumed we were. I could only breath. I realize, despite my nerves, I felt comfortable. Like I had walked with him a thousand times before. I found myself stealing glances at his.. reflection? He had dark hair, maybe black or a dark brown? Dark eyes, brown maybe? He wore, what looked like, dark jeans and a black shirt. And although I could feel, there was more to him, than what he was showing me. I couldn't help but admire what I saw. I noticed we had stopped walking. He was a few feet ahead of me. Looking at what I now realized was a body of water. I gaze out at the water, the stars made sparkle. "Beautiful," I hear myself say out loud. I feel him smiling. I turn to look at him. I noticed I still seemed to see him.. where I always did. Even though now, he also seemed to be standing right next to me.
I sit down, by the edge of the water. He sits beside me. I find myself staring at him. He turns his head to look at me. I look away. I slowly turn my head back in his direction. He copies me and meets my eyes. I quickly look away. And I slowly turn my head, he slowly turns his head. I laugh and play aggravated, "will you stop?" He looks at me, I look at him, and I feel us both share a moment together. It seemed like a split second, that felt like forever. I feel him bring me into his arms. We sat in silence for awhile. I pull away,"I should go," I hear myself say. He looks at me. I look at him. I find it hard to pull away. He leans his face to me. He waits. I wait.. .and our lips seem to be waiting. I turn… our lips touch. I catch my breath. and.. open my eyes.
Text: This work is copyrighted by Tiffany Anyel
Publication Date: 03-28-2012
All Rights Reserved