Cover

One

Letter one.

To my dearest one,

If there is anything I know for sure right now, then it would be the fact that I know nothing. There is too much I don’t know in this world, my life is nothing but a series of whys and how’s, it’s the kind of life you live thinking you have it all figured out… when really you couldn’t even guess what you were having for lunch right. So Maybe that was the point of living, maybe living was always about solving the puzzle, or maybe we _humans_ aren’t supposed to figure out the truth, maybe life’s a fantasy and we’re here to live it until we run out of time, run out of hope or maybe both.

I loved you; at least that was what I used to think. You made me laugh….people say we love the ones who make us laugh.

You felt like rain, I love rain…I do. The feeling of the sky crying with me, telling me it’s okay…that I’m strong and it won’t think of me less when I cry. That even though my heart is ripping out of my chest I’ll survive, and even though my eyes are filled with tears and I can no longer take my breath I’ll be fine, Regardless that everything seems blurry and my vision’s no longer clear….it will help me move on.

The sky was my only friend and rain….rain was how it showed me her love.

I loved you; I know I did.

You felt like happiness, only it wasn’t mine. I looked at you with so much love, so much passion. You looked at me with recognition like I was me…I was familiar to you. But I was still just me and that hurt a lot.

It really did.

I used to think we were good together, You told me I was your sunshine…Your light house in the darkness. I remember one day when you looked at me really hard, your gaze was different…it was stern yet soft, it was full of words but so empty when you try to read them.

You spoke, your voice just above a whisper…"Guide me home", you said.

"Guide me home". I remember my heart breaking a little then…the world stopped in front of me, I heard nothing else…..I wanted to cry, let me be your home, I wanted to say. Let me guide you to me.

If you asked me to give you my heart then I would ‘have done it without a second thought. I would have given you my soul, all of me.

I wasn’t complete, I know and I wasn’t proud of it…But right then, I was going to give you whatever I had left in me and I wouldn’t even ask you to give it back, I just wanted to keep you safe….I wanted you better.

That was how much you affected me…..that was how much I loved you.

 

 

 

 

Two

 

 

 

 

Letter two

Dearest one,

Someone asked me today if I believed in fairy tales, I said yes… I said yes thinking of you.

It’s so unfair, you know. The way you affect me, the way you play with my heart…you do it so well. It seems as if you were born for it. My heart, and the way it responds to you. You were a violinist and I was your violin. You played me well, you really did. I could have sworn you were talented because you did it with so much ease. It scared me, tore me apart…I was ice; people said I was too cold.

But here you are, and here I am melting between your hands.

I was the girl with the messy heart, you were golden boy. You shine so bright, everybody loves you."Different"….you were different, the way you held yourself together, the way you were always smiles and sunshines, you were there when someone needed you, you had everyone’s backs.

People loved you, you were the kind of person people loved on first sight, maybe it was because you were too good, or maybe it was your aura; you warmed hearts by just being yourself. I know this because you warmed my heart from the day I saw you.

I know this, because sadly…I was just one of those people.

Funny part was, you never knew how much you were loved. You never knew how much you meant for others.

Maybe we were meant to be, Messy girl and golden boy. Or maybe we just met by chance…I have however, learned that we were both broken from the inside, we were broken hard and strong. I wonder if that’s why we were holding to each other, maybe we were both just trying to survive.

Maybe after sometime we figured that we couldn’t do it together, that someone had to let go so the other can continue. I cared too much for you then, I could have stayed broken if it meant we stayed together.

You didn’t though, you wanted the survival….you let me go.

I don’t blame you, I really don’t. You were smarter…you did what’s right. I was just foolish enough to fall in love with you, my fault, my mistake…I had to suffer the consequences…and I know that this means nothing to you, but I never thought I would suffer this hard, I never knew it would hurt this much.

This means nothing to you, but my heart is breaking….my soul is aching and my body always seems as if it’s on fire. I am burning, I can see the flames….sometimes I fear people can see them too…. I don’t want  people figuring out how you broke me; I don’t want people seeing how much I ached for you.

It’s a shame, because you meant the word to me and I was like the rest to you.

A sad sad story.

 A beautiful illusion.

I wanted nothing than your love…you wanted nothing to do with me.

I told you I believed in fairy tales and I didn’t lie. I really do believe in them. I mean look at you, look at us. You were my fairy tale. Only not all fairy tales are happy ever after ones, some are tragedies and we my dear, were one.

You were my tragedy, I loved you that much.

Till later,

    Yours forever.

 

 

Three

 

 

 

Dearest one:

 

The story of us ended, this is my last letter to you.

You know...I have never thought of the world as my friend, I knew how rude and cruel she could be...so harsh sometimes I could barely keep on moving, so unfair that I wondered why it hated me so much.

Days passed, and never did I think any other way of this world, I kept hoping things got better...I kept praying that I’d be strong enough to get over the cruelty  surrounding me and I gave myself a promise to love my life and live it to the fullest even if the world kept on hating me anyway.

 

Every night before sleeping, I prayed to God to help me find love, I thought that love conquerd it all...that even if the world wasn’t my best friend, my lover would make it all up for me. I thought if I fell in love and was loved back as much..I could fight the darkness that surrounded my life….I was in awe of all those love stories I read about, I fell in love with the idea of being loved and I ached for such a feeling so much...so I kept on praying and kept on waiting, until the stars take sympathy on me and grant me the most beautiful gift anyone  could ever ask for.

 

Then you came, you felt like sunshine and happy days...you felt like home.

From the day I met you, you were so familiar...like we have always known each other, like you have always been a part of me. Funny how you fit into my life perfectly...like a part of my life has always been reserved for you. We moved from strangers, to friends and in less than a year you became my best friend and all of a sudden you became my world.

 

I fell in love with you, with your darkness...with your soul, you were bad for me, most people told me so but I was so attached to you that I couldn’t listen to them, I was hoping with everything in me that you would love me as much as I loved you. I wanted us to turn into the beautiful fairy tale we read about in books. I let myself believe that we could happen, so I waited and waited ..I could have waited all the time in the world if it meant that one day you would love me back.

 

Time passed, days went by and we only got closer….we talked everyday, we went everywhere together.It was like we were making memories...the kind of memories you never forget, the ones that make your heart blossom just by thinking of them.

I felt ultimate happiness then, my silly heart couldn’t help but fall for you more and more. I mean how could I not? You were every where, you talked to me all the time and because everything was happening too fast, I believed that you were the answer to my long night prayers and I let myself live that dream.

 

Of course I was wrong, of course I had always been wrong.

You started acting weird after sometime, I saw you around her, the way you looked at her...the way you talked about her often...there were so many signs and dearest one..I knew you so well.

My mind knew you loved her, but it was too hard for my heart to comprehend such a thing.

Since then I was living in a battle, my heart and my mind were shouting at me...each one of them couldn’t believe the other and neither of them was ready to lose...between the both of them I felt torn, sometimes it would get so much and I would break, other times I would cry myself to sleep just to run away from everything that was surrounding me.

The pain I held became so familiar, I  could no longer remember how it felt like to be free from this and by time I found myself trying to let you go, I tried to save myself from whatever was waiting for me at the end of the road, my heart knew that this story would never end well for me...but I was in love...and love didn’t care about the consequences.

 

Good days were followed by heartache, it became so normal to me until one Wednesday came and my world was no longer the same.

 

You said it, you said it and I felt my heart burst….I couldn’t believe that the world has finally decided to give me the only thing I have wanted for so long, you told me you love me and at that day I never really cared about anything else. I had your heart and for me that was enough.

 

The following day you told me you loved my friend.

Thursday, my heart was broken with the very same guy who made it burst from love.

The rest of the story doesn’t matter….all the days that followed make no sense now, you loved my friend all along it has always been her...I was nothing, I was nothing to you.

 

I am holding my broken heart now and I am walking away, I promised to never let you hurt me this bad again, you told me that you tried to love me but you couldn’t….you told me we couldn’t decide whom our hearts fell for and I wanted at that very moment to go back to the very first day I met you, so that I would never did.

 

I wonder now, if all boys are as cruel...I wonder if I was too hard to love that you couldn’t love me despite everything I have done to you.

You took a piece of me and I am never getting it back now...I hate you for this, I hate you so much for this.

I’ll let you go now, and I promised myself to never talk to you again...I just wanted to ask you one last question….for old times sake, although I know now that you never cared for them as much….I let you go and yous seemed fine, more than fine actually. You went back to your life so smoothly that i wondered if I was ever a part of it...I don’t blame you though….I should have never gave you my heart and now tell me, tell me where do broken hearts go.

 

You ran back to her, you went  where your heart guided you...You never cared if I lost mine and once again, I don’t blame you...or maybe I do….

So tell me dearest, tell me where broken hearts go.

 

                                                             No longer yours,

                                                                                     me.



Four( To new starts and new Love)

 

 

 

Dearest:

I need you to promise me things,

Lots of them.

I will love you so much it would probably hurt you,

I could wake you up at 4 am because I felt like doing so,

I’ll take your hands...guide you to the stars.

I need you to come with me, I need you to handle my madness.

There is chaos inside me,

Thunder and rain,

I carry the pain of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow…

I want to be something more, but most days..you’ll see me doing nothing at all.

I’ll probably tell people to smile,

I keep happiness plastered on my face.

I like happiness you know, such a sweet taste...such a good time.

But you’ll find me sobbing into my pillow at night.

Learn how to make me stop.

Only you can make me stop.

I love people, so much and unconditionally.

Sometimes, I wish I could hug their broken pieces and put them together..

I wish I could make it better,

Make  the pain fade away.

I hug them in my mind...sometimes I cry for them at night.

I need you to accept this.

I am no saint, but I hurt for others.

I carry the sadness of the world inside me….sometimes it engulfs me completely.

And I get lost in its darkness.

When it does so, please don’t leave me alone.

Take me to the light, am tired of hurting alone.

I talk nonsense…

When I’am tired, when i'm sick, when I’am hurting, When I fail…

I talk nonsense most of the time.

I’ll tell you no when my heart is dying to tell you yes.

I need you to understand me when I can no longer understand myself.

I need you to shut me up when you feel like it.

Kiss me like I am oxygen, and you’re gasping for breath.

Your kisses can fix my broken pieces,

Your kisses will fill my empty parts.

You’ll make me full again, You’ll make me alive.

Today,Sorrow compressed my heart,

I felt like I'm gonna die,

Like the world was so much and I couldn’t handle it anymore,

Like you were an illusion and I can no longer hold onto you.

I felt like I needed to disappear,

Move to a far far place,

Maybe I’ll travel to the moon,

And maybe am never coming back.

But how would I do so, when all I ever wanted was to be found?

I am so fragile my dearest,

So damn fragile…

Between the few good moments, between the little happy times.

I am a child at heart.

A naive little soul with lots of hope,

I see all kinds of love in the world,

Never the same love twice,

I wish I could taste them,

Try what each one feels like.

But oh my little silly heart,

Greedy thing you are...I tell myself,

Because maybe just maybe,

The world wouldn’t grant me any love at all.

My heart aches just from the thought, and the sadness overcomes again.

If only I could face the truth,

If only I could be brave enough to understand,

That although most people may seem like they love me,

Not all of them can love me enough,

I can't blame them though,

I just need to get over it.

I need to start living with it.

Dearest,

Did I mention how much of a mess I can be?

Did I tell you how I get sad from the little things?

I knew how unimportant it was,

I swear I did,

But it made me sad anyway.

I went home and let the sadness consume me for sometime, then I got happy again.

You’ll handle this right,

I believe you can.

I am waiting for you,

I have been for such a long time.

And I will wait no matter how long it takes.

So, till we meet?

Yours,

always.





Five

 

 

 

 

He was my favorite.

Always have been.

Chocolate brown eyes that made my heart warm.

He was the last shining star in this wild wild galaxy,

My lucky charm,

The highlight of my day.

He was the one thing that mattered,

The soft breeze that calmed my soul every night.

He was my melody,

The missing lyrics of my songs.

Life made sense when he was around,

“Tell me all the terrible things you’ve ever done, all the secrets you kept to yourself and let me love you anyway…” He said.

I was in his arms, the heat of his body warmed mine...never had it ever felt like this.

He was whispering sweet words into my ears, I wanted to hold onto him forever.

Sometimes when it got too much I cried, he saw me though...he always did.

Never did he ever leave me, he held me close...spoke softly into my neck, his words brought shivers into my spine, and butterflies into my stomach.

“I love you” he’d say,

“You’re fire baby, and I’ve been cold all my life.” He said.

My tears dried every time you said those words, peace engulfed my soul and I knew that for that night we were okay.

I remember the how you laughed, the sound of your laughter and the way your dimples would appear making my favorite show.

I remember that crooked tooth of yours,the one that drove you crazy every time you looked into the mirror.You said it ruined that face of yours, I thought it only ruined hearts and lots of them.

I saw the light with you every morning, It was safe to fall asleep knowing you'd be here when I wake up.

I used to close my eyes sometimes and wonder how you turned out to be my lighthouse, my safe haven and my sanity in the madness of the world.

Why did you have to be so beautiful, so bright...you made the dark days fade away...you made home no longer an address but a pair of brown eyes greeting me with feelings.

You were too much, you were nothing at all.

You were a rainy day, dying to be danced in.

You were water, deep water that was enough to save me.

You held the love of the world in your arms,

And you poured it right here in front of me.

You were hard, of course you were hard.

Hard is what made you great,

Hard is what made you different.

You melted in my arms though,

You tore apart and cried your heart of.

You told me how cruel the world was, and how it was never easy.

I would play with your hair,

You loved it when I played with your hair.

You’d tell me everything that mattered and everything that made no sense at all..

And with every word you said, I fell harder for you.

Like loving you was never enough,

And my feelings for you had no limits.

You’d sleep then, a sweet sound coming out of you.

Beautiful rhythm of your breaths, indicating how tired the world had got you.

I’d kiss your heart then, and thank God for you like I do every night.

Then I’d drift to sleep.

Sometimes, I could feel his dreams bound with mine like pages of a fairy tale.

Like the world was ours and we’d forever carry our memories with us.

You were too much, you were nothing at all.

I loved you.

So hard, so much.

I opened my eyes then.

I was all alone, emptiness surrounded my heart and I thought am gonna die.

Then I woke up.





Six

 

 

 

 

I have always believed that happiness was a choice,

And I promised to always make it mine.

But you see, if there is one thing I know for sure now…

It’s that not everything you choose will choose you back,

Most times, nothing you choose choses you back.

 

The ugly truth, the dirty little secret life has been trying to hold from us forever, I don’t blame her though...Most of us won’t bother living if we knew such a thing.

I can’t however, say that it has always been bad.

Plenty of times, life gives such a taste of what happiness would feel like if we had it…

I just don’t think we have it enough.

 

I’am so lonely dearest diaries, I have no one to run to on a bad day,

I have no shoulder to cry on in a tough night.

No one to call when I get so small and feel lost in this wide universe of ours.

I have noone but myself.

And Sadly I don’t like me enough to live that way.

 

I walk with an empty heart and heavy eyes.

Eyes that are always filled with tears, too afraid to let them fall and choosing to carry them all the way instead.

Those tears has been aching to stream down my cheeks, screaming for help… asking for someone….anyone...to love me enough, to stay.

“Love me enough”, I wanted to scream.

I have never been loved enough.

I have never been loved at all.

 

So most of you don’t know what depression feels like, and maybe I don’t either.

Because I really don’t think I suffer from depression, but I know quite well that I suffer from sadness, severe painful sadness.

That sadness that strikes you in the car, on your way home.

That sadness you feel suddenly when you’re sitting with your so called friends.

The sadness that never goes but stays buried in your deepest parts.

I hate it.

I hate it so much.

We’re too young to be this sad.

We’re too young to choose sad songs on the radio.

I would have never chosen this life.

The sadness has become too much now, I feel like it's eating whatever happiness is left within me.

A dark night that never ends, and a sad song that’s on repeat.

It’s been so long, I feel so drained out.

Why is it that those who need to be loved the most are never loved at all?

Why is it my heart that the world decided to abandon?

And why did my soul match with noone till now?

Waiting has always been the word for me.

I lived this entire time waiting and hoping.

Hoping you’d show up,

That maybe despite everything,

Despite the tough days, and the bitterness of the world

Despite those who left and those who never stayed,

Despite every night I cried myself to sleep…

I could still be happy.

And you’d still find your way to me.

Being alone is no longer an issue for me,

I chose to leave everything that mattered.



The moon that night was trying to tell me a story,

I think I saw a little bit  of your eyes in the stars.

They were shining you know,

Just like your eyes do when it's dark.

The wind, It felt like you were here…

It carried the scent of the sea to me,

It filled my nostrils and I thought of you.

You loved the sea so much,

Said it calmed your soul in a way no one else could.

I got jealous on that day, I wanted to be the only one calming you down…

You kissed my hair and laughed.

“I love you to death baby, but if I had to chose who calms me down...I would pick the sea, every single time”.

You were looking at me with so much passion, your  eyes held too many words..I punched you playfully on the chest and wrapped my arms around your neck… whether you loved the sea or not , I loved you so much anyway.

We kept quiet for a long time then, those were the moments I loved the most.

You lying on the ground with your arms wrapped all around me, the sea kept welcoming us with its tides and the sky filled herself with stars lighting our night.

It felt like the universe was ours,

Like we had all the time in the world.

You got lost whenever we spent our time like this but you were so beautiful that every now and then you’d ask me if am fine.

“Are you okay baby, cold?”

I would shake my head, because even though I might be freezing..I would have never chosen to leave your side, I would have never missed out such a night with you.

“We could leave if you’re bored, We have been here for hours now...I just, I just love the place so much baby and when you’re here with me...It feels like nothing is enough”.

You were so sincere, everything around me screamed to wake up.

It was time I woke up.

But I didn’t, I wish I did...because just then I wouldn’t have experienced what your lips felt like kissing me on the sea side.

With the breeze tickling our faces, and his lips on mine.

Too much beauty and too much pain.

The beauty of how this moment will be carved into my memory forever..

And the pain of knowing it would never be true.

It took everything in me to leave him…

To close my eyes so hard just to open them again.

I was finally awake.

I was alone again.





Seven

 

 

 

 

Dearest,

In a world of nonsense,

In a world full of ugly hearts and broken promises.

I held my heart in my hand and dived in deep.

There was no easy way out of this, I had to fight...I had to believe and I had to understand that I was my only hero.

Even though I ached for you, and even though you visit  my dreams every single night….

I was still my only hero.

You were an anchor, but anchors may only save you.

They ain’t heal your heart.

And I need my heart healed.

It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.

I had a friend before, The one I used to address these letters to at the very beginning.

The one who broke my heart, the one who taught me real pain.

We grew apart since then, went from being the highlights of each others days to strangers.

Not a Hello passed between us anymore.

We sticked to the silent treatment and it suited us both just fine.

How weird is it though?

How can someone who once meant so much to you, turns out to be the exact person you hate the most?

How can feelings just fade away?

How can years mean nothing once they have passed.

I don’t think I mourn his loss anymore, I don’t even think I care about his loss.

Maybe his loss wasn’t even a loss, or maybe he turned me into a cold-hearted human being.

He’s leaving now for sure, going overseas….everyone’s saying goodbye, a year ago...I would have said goodbye too.

A year ago, I would have cried my heart off when he leaves.

Now I feel nothing.

He meant so much a year ago, It scares me sometimes.

I could leave anything and anyone behind, he proved to me that  no matter how deep my cut was, I’ll survive...he made me more aware of my powers, my limits and he made me the person I am today.

Maybe life was teaching me a lesson, or maybe it’s adapting me to how it’ll always feel.

I think about loneliness and my heart burns,

I don’t want to be lonely.

No one wants to be lonely.

Love is a fantasy, love is scary.

Love is a fight,

Too much heartache, too much pain.

And too much beauty.

Not everyone will have the chance to be loved, not everyone has the chance to be loved forever.

I’ll take whatever I get.

I ‘ll take love exactly the way it’ll take me.

This soul of mine, this hopeless soul of mine is still wondering.

Looking for the love it may never find.

Looking for two arms and a smile,

Looking for a pair of warm eyes and a shoulder to cry on.

My soul aches for you.

I could write all day about how much I need you, but that would bother my readers,

So I’ll just say leave it here and talk nonsense again.

Between the right and the wrong,

Or maybe between the wrong and the right.

I saw myself.

I looked and I felt different….I felt like no one.

How can you feel like yourself again once you stopped feeling?

How can we gain the parts we lost?

How can we be whole again...without waiting for someone to fill us up?

I need to breathe.

Like really breath.

Long, slow breaths.

The kind of breathes that keep you going, not the ones that keep you alive.

On my journey to happiness, I shall find love.

I shall find you.

Or maybe I won’t.

Maybe I’ll find something else.

I hope that by then, I’d be a different person,

A person who accepts whatever is offered.

Maybe a person who won’t give it too much of a thought...It drives me crazy thinking I would never have the chance to share a bed with you.

It scares my soul to think how I’ll never know what your kisses feel like.

I don’t want to miss the beauty of love,

I don’t want to miss the pain of love.

I don’t want to is anything at all..

An yes, I know it’s greedy and yes it’s way too much.

But what’s the point behind living if we can’t go for too much anyway?

 

Till later,

Yours…..






 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eight

 

 

Dearest diaries:

It was already too much,

My insidies couldn’t take it.

There was no reason to stay awake,

Everything underneath me was ruined...and I was already too tired to fake anything.

It was tiring,

Pitying yourself,

Waiting for the inevitable,

You couldn’t let my heart suffer anymore,

It was way too much and I just couldn’t.

I decided to sleep,

I was desperate,

Hanging on a rope that was already cut,

Hoping for the sake of everything that it would keep me steady,

I feel on my knees,

Blood spread everywhere from where I stood,

You could feel me sobbing into myself,

My sobs were too painful to not to be felt,

But you wouldn’t do a thing.

You wouldn’t even come close,

No one would want to help an already ruined soul.

It was too late for me anyway.

So I decided to take pity on myself,

I decided to save you the effort,

relieve you from the pain of guilt...

If you ever felt any.

I decided to sleep.

My breaths were slower now,

Audible though,

I could feel life crushing my chest,

I could feel myself fighting my demons,

Too naive to believe that fighting was nothing but a waste of time.

I couldn’t let myself die,

I couldn’t give up on me,

Everyone has already did,

It was just too painful to let life end here.

And the fight was tedious,

that I sometimes wondered if it meant anything to fight at all.

Life was always ahead of me, I never had a chance to win once.

But I never stopped fighting either.

Until, until I decided to sleep.

It was too tiring to deal with people,

I was an old soul locked in a bottle,

I thought getting out would help me,

Souls like mine_if any existed_ were too fragile for people.

They couldn’t just handle them,

People were mean, uncaring.

They’d throw you with stones, then act like they gave you roses.

It was hard, I was already too ruined to let things like these go.

I wish they’d stop.

I wish life would stop torturing me.

But neither of them did.

It was when I carried too much that I can no longer carry anymore.

It was the way people hated me most days,

But acted normal on others.

It was the shaking of my voice, the trembling of my fingertips whenever I asked for help,

just to regret it immediately afterwards.

It was all those smiley emojis that broke my heart,

And the time I spent Analyzing people’s behaviour just to convince my stupid soul that it was okay,

that  those didn’t mean bad,

It was just me,

It was just me.

I was tired of behaving like things were exotic,

I faked most things,

And no one could see through.

They hated me and in return I hated the world.

And I decided to sleep.

It was tiring, still is... to have a crush on someone,

I was exhausted from liking him..

He never noticed me, he never paid me attention and I got tired.

This is how I always end up,

Miserable, ruined, unnoticed.

Don’t you pity me,

I don’t need your pity.

I may or may not lock myself again in that bottle.

It was really stupid to think anything was worth going out anway.

I was stupid to think someone would like me, and I hate myself for liking this guy in the first place.

It’s pathetic how I turn when I see him,

It’s pathetic that I like him so bad,

Smile whenever his picture pops up.

He’ll never like me,

He’ll never even admit I’m here.

And it breaks my heart in two.

I was alone,

Fighting on my own,

By time I was only fighting myself....

Because the world was too tremendous for me.

Me writing won’t save me,

It won’t make this fade away,

It still hurts as fuck.

But it makes things a bit better, knowing that I poured my heart off here.

 

 

Imprint

Publication Date: 02-19-2017

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
For myself, Thank you for being there when no one else was.

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